Posted on by Wise Sass · 4 Comments

The evolution of break-up grieving

Some days I look like this:

Working, kicking butt, taking names. The usual.
Working, kicking butt, taking names. The usual.

I would say most days I’m content, working, doing my job and being a mom. I have friends, I have family, I have support. I can take the hard stuff in stride, I think, most of the time. But sometimes I wonder if I’m just faking it. I wonder if I’m putting on the “I’m getting by” face and it’s really masking the grief stages.

I think a break-up is very much like mourning the death of something. The death of a dream? Losing that love, that support, that unconditional “someone is there, even if it’s not perfect” quality that we all get in a long relationship. That “hi honey, how was your day?” greeting. That “it will be okay” hug. That “I’m there for you even though I’m really mad at your stinky ass” support.

Today I look like this:

This is sadness.
This is sadness.
This is mourning.
This is mourning.
This is grief.
This is grief.

Some days, like today, I look like this:

This is heartbreak.
This is heartbreak.

Some days, like today, it feels like it will never stop, never get better, never be okay.

Will I ever look like that girl at the top again?

Logically, yes, I know I will. I will pull it together. I will get over this heartache. That’s what my head is telling me.

My heart . . . my heart is stupid. My heart can’t be trusted. My heart is grounded until further notice.

The 7 stages of a break-up are very similar to the 5 stages of grief. I’m reproducing some good points from an article here (without permission, I should add):

1. Shock: “What the hell just happened?”

Shock is the body’s natural protection against pain. And when your relationship first ends, you just might not want to deal with what’s coming next. It may be too scary, too lonely, too confusing.

  • Do prescribe yourself calming cures like meditation or long walks.
  • Do not freak out. You will make sense of all of this!

2. Denial: “This is so not happening.”

Denial is rejection of reality and a storage of feelings. The thinking is that, if you don’t accept the heartbreak, then it didn’t really happen, thus leaving hope for reunion.

  • Do open up to a journal or trusted friend to begin unleashing fears, identifying unreasonable thoughts and more.
  • Do not minimize the situation. Pretending your breakup doesn’t have to be dealt with will lead to emotional numbness and leave you stuck.

3. Isolation: “I just want to sit in this all by myself.”

Dealing with the dissolution of the relationship. You may replay the relationship over and over in your mind. Your thoughts may feel very scattered and disorganized. You may draw your blinds and not even want to leave the house. Sitting in darkness feels better than going outside and admitting to the world that, yes, it’s over.

  • Do take regular showers and create reasons to face the day (work, social activities).
  • Do not indulge in self-pity by letting irrational thoughts like “No one will ever love me again” take over.

4. Anger: “I hate you for breaking my heart!”

In this stage, your heart goes from sad to raging mad. It becomes fueled with anger towards your ex for whatever his part in the breakup was, and/or toward yourself for your part. The deeper desire here is often to place blame.

  • Do feel, write or talk about your anger.
  • Do not act on it.

5. Bargaining: “What will it take to get him back?”

Sometimes involving prayers, this stage is often about getting your ex back. Desperate to negotiate with yourself or your ex, you may go to extreme measures to make deals or become something else (thinner, less jealous, etc.) to make amends — when in truth, it is just about making the current pain go away.

  • Do create a self-love list complete with what makes you happy and things you want for your future.
  • Do not include wanting your ex back in the above list!

6. Depression: “I will never get over him.”

You realize the magnitude of your loss in this stage of grief, and it can feel all too overwhelming. You may wind up in a state of deep sadness that can even resemble mild depression. At this point, recalling what your life was like prior to your relationship or what it could be like now can be hard

  • Do surround yourself with positive people and lots of sunshine.
  • Do not fall victim to unhealthy behaviors such as binge eating or drinking.

7. Acceptance: “I understand why I was with him, why I’m not now, and that I will be better than just OK.”

The acceptance stage of a breakup makes all the other really tough ones worth it. The sun begins to shine, and you begin to feel like yourself again, ready to move onward and upward.

  • Do celebrate getting through your breakup.
  • Do not be surprised if you still feel moments of sadness from time to time; it’s normal. Just keep on your positive path!

With love, sadness & pain,

Stef

P.S. I’m trying to remember these things today; maybe you should too:

tumblr_lphh0gm2zj1qm6m56o1_500 responsible for my own happiness beingstrongquotes

Posted on by Wise Sass · 2 Comments

I’ve been holding my tongue

Because I don’t know how to say it. I don’t want to say it. It’s distasteful to say or write. I have said it but I haven’t really written it. There is a difference. There’s a finality.

I am not naturally brave.

This decision. The depth of my sadness, my despair, my fear – it was vast and deep and all-consuming. What could possibly make me break the hearts of the people I hold so very dear to me? What could drive me there? What would make me stand up and do this horrible thing that I vowed to never do?

13 years and 2 months ago when I stood up in front of our family & friends and declared (gulp) divorce was not an option for me I whole-heartedly believed it. With the knowledge I had then. I didn’t know what would happen. I couldn’t imagine.

I could write a long diatribe about how I feel I’m the injured party. How I feel the decision I’ve made is the right one – not only for me, but for him, and the kids. I could explain that in detail; but what would be the point?

For the record: I have very good reasons. I have reasons that a lesser woman would have succumbed to long ago. But there really is no point in delineating each of those reasons. There is always going to be two sides to every story. We are always going to see a situation from our own perspectives – indeed, how could we not? – and when those perspectives are misaligned there simply is no agreement to be found.

All I ask is this – if you ever loved me or trusted me or thought I had a good head on my shoulders then, please, take a moment to understand what level of unhappiness would drive me to make this awful, painful, hurtful decision. This . . . this is never what I wanted. How did THIS become the lesser of two miseries?

Realize, please, that you have not walked in my shoes. You don’t know. Nobody can know how I felt or feel. Nobody can understand. All you can do is trust the ME that you do know and realize that my logical head isn’t going to let me randomly, without thought or worry, make a decision such as this.

Don’t forget that I’m still here. The person you know and love – I’m still here and I am still me. The love I have in my heart for the people I have called family for 14 years is still here. It’s unfailing. I hold no anger or resentment to them. I am, most of all, so very, very sad.

To him, though, I have such a mix of feelings. Sadness. Confusion. Anger. Resentment.

Yes, those feelings all have a time & place. I think it’s time to let them go now. They have no place in my future. I’m tired of their companionship and I bid them farewell.

*sigh*  And still it must be said:

Several months ago I asked my husband of 13 years for a separation. He has recently come back and pushed for a divorce. We are in a holding pattern for now. I’m hoping that we can do the best by our kids, given the circumstances. They, and their well-being, are my priority.

With love,

Stef

Posted on by Wise Sass

I love an Autistic boy

I borrowed the concept and some of the text below from a post I saw on an Autism awareness page on Facebook. I liked the concept – it does a good job of showing life from an Autistic person’s point of view  – but the original was quite long and, um, a tad rambling. I’ve edited quite a lot for length and pertinent content.

Though every Autistic person is unique in how their developmental disorder manifests itself, these 5 things are fairly common among all Autistics. This is important stuff – especially right now. Contrary to what you may see in the mainstream media these days, Autism is not a mental illness; it is a developmental disorder.

5 Things a Person with Autism Needs

1. Patience

Realize that it takes me longer to do things. It takes me longer to process what’s going on, what I have to do next, and how I’m supposed to do it. Please do not get frustrated. I work best at my own speed. Do not try to rush me because I will only get more confused and more anxious. I often have trouble applying past experiences to new ones and at times it feel like I need to learn new tasks all the way from square one. Please do not give up on me.

2. Space

There will be many times when I will turn inward. I like to shut out the world around me; block everything out. My focus is in a place you can’t see. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t make it less real for me. I’m not doing it on purpose or to hurt you. It’s like a bubble engulfing me and it’s hard for me to pop it. When I get in this place it’s calming for me and my thoughts aren’t racing like they normally do. It is safe.

I have sensory issues so please remember that when things get loud, crowded, or chaotic, I get overwhelmed, frightened and over-stimulated. Please don’t stare, point or ridicule when you see me acting strangely. I may flap my arms. I may hide underneath the table at a restaurant. I may curl up into a ball or burrow under a pile of coats. I’m just trying to insulate myself from the chaos around me. Reset my spinning brain. It’s not because I’m misbehaving. Please do not give up on me.

3. Support

I need to find my niche, my favorite activity, my talent. Please help me to find it so I have something to do that I am good at. This will give me confidence in life. This will be an activity that will calm me and make me feel happy. I need something to keep me busy that makes me feel good at the same time. When I find what I am good at, my self-esteem will increase. This will help my life progress and blossom. It may be something simple – like stacking blocks, riding a bike, or listening to music – or it may be more complex but it will make sense to me. Please give me the support and environment I need to find this activity.

This world often looks down on people like me. I need a little extra help and I need advocates who will help to get me in a good place in life. I may always need some guidance on how to maneuver in this world. I appreciate everything you do for me but sometimes my Autism makes me unable to show you that. Please do not give up on me.

4. Structure

I work best when everything is predictable. When things are always changing my brain can’t keep up. It feels as though the world spins too fast for me and everything is out of control. Many days I live in fear of something drastically changing. It can be the smallest thing that can send me into panic: the wrong brand of cereal, a strong smell, a weird sound, the feeling of stiff, hard jeans on my legs. I am more sensitive to everything around me; that is how my brain works. The best thing for me is consistency in my daily activities. Routine makes me feel safe. Feeling safe and comfortable makes me happy and that enables me to flourish. Please do not give up on me.

5. Understanding and Love

The world can be a scary place for me. I have difficulties with socializing and communicating, but I do have feelings just like you. I have trouble expressing them and bringing them outside of my head so you won’t always be able to tell what I’m feeling. But I love, just as you do, and I need your unconditional love in return. Even when I’m mean to you. It’s just because I can’t say what I’m thinking and I don’t know how to reason through my feelings.

There will be a lot of people in life who will not understand me, who will be annoyed or even afraid of me. I will feel that shadow over me. All I need is your love and to know that there is someone, if only just one person, who loves me unconditionally for who I am. Please do not ever give up on me.

***

Yesterday I heard that there was a vile person who put up a Facebook page saying if he got 50 likes he would go BURN an Autistic person in retaliation for the shooting in Newtown.

I can’t even. I just can’t.

Look at this boy:

Jamie b&w

He is light. He is life. He is LOVE.

To think that someone would consider hurting him is beyond comprehension.

He’s been having a hard time lately. He’s had trouble at school. Trouble tolerating the stimuli around him. Lashing out in frustrated anger at his teachers and peers. We’ve been having meetings. Making phone calls. Seeking help, instruction, assurance. How do we help him to cope? What can we do to teach him coping skills? What can the school do?

We’re on a path. We just keep trudging along. They are making adjustments at the school. It’s been going on for a few months and seemed to peak following Thanksgiving break.

But the other day something momentous happened. I was trying to get him to go to the bathroom. I knew he needed to go. He was doing the thing he does when he’s holding his pee. He got angry at me for telling him he needed to go. He came up to my face, yelled at me, and he was about to hit me – I know, it’s happened enough times – and then a wonderful thing happened. The look on his face changed; some of the stormy-ness fell away. I saw the moment he realized what he was doing and stopped it. He dropped his hand, stepped back and turned away from me. He walked a few steps back and looked away. He stopped himself in the middle of his emotional outburst. That has NEVER happened. I was so proud I may have cried. Just a little.

Then, the next day, his communication log that came home from his paraprofessional at school was glowing. He participated! He engaged! He didn’t get upset, frustrated or angry all day. He played football at recess, for goodness sake! WHAT THE WHAT??

Is it a sign? Are the coping skills that he needs at this point in his life (the onset of puberty, escalated school demands, peer group involvement, etc.) finally kicking in? Oh please, oh please, oh please, make it so. My momma’s heart needs some positivity right now. I need to feel confident that my baby will grow and learn and adjust and thrive. I need to know that so badly.

I don’t mind if he’s weird just as long as he has growth. Weird isn’t bad. It’s just different. Different is good. Can we all start teaching that to others now? Different is okay. Different is normal. Let’s embrace the people in our society who are different and not make them feel like outcasts. It’s so important to our collective consciousness as a nation to feel a little more unity and a little more acceptance.

Now go forth! Be tolerant and spread love. Be the change you want to see in the world. We’ve all heard that, but do we live it?

Yours, in hope,

Stef

Posted on by Wise Sass · 2 Comments

This is the story of a girl

Who cried a river and drowned the whole world

and while she looks so sad in photographs

I absolutely love her

When she smiles

Do you know that song? You know how you can hear just the words “this is a story” and you can immediately connect the lyrics and sing the whole song 500 times in your head (or out loud) after that? And then your husband (or boss, or teacher, or friend) says “AS I WAS SAYING this is a story about cattle futures and the stock market . . . ” Or, actually, my husband or boss or teacher (if I had a teacher) would never say that. Maybe “. . . about Edward Gorey” or “. . . about intellectual property, counterfeit product sales online and their crossover into phishing fraud.” Or something like that. Anyway – I LOVE THAT.

I find great comfort in the familiar. It’s soothing to me to hear a song I know and love. The cadence, the words, they all flow through my mind effortlessly and, if I love the song, it makes me happy. Like a hug (because hugs make you happy. Unless your heart is cold, black and shriveled up). The same with my favorite old tv shows or the same books I have thumbed through a dozen times or more. The characters are like visiting with old friends and the familiar words are like a salve to my metaphorical open wounds.

On a recent business trip I had to figure out a book to take with me.

(Yes, technologically adept as I like to consider myself I do still have an overwhelming affinity for actual books. I like to feel them in my hands. I like to dog-ear the corners. I fear the term “dog-ear” will go out of fashion in 2.5 seconds due to all the electronics permeating our society. I’m so conflicted).

I have no less than 7 books on my bedside table that I have barely started or not cracked at all, but when I turned to grab one none appealed. Why? Well, there’s a lot of newness in my work life and I just couldn’t stand the idea of embarking on a new journey with a new author and a new story to work through in my already clouded and over-taxed head.

What if I didn’t like it 30 pages in? What if it was sad and depressing? What if it didn’t hug my soul like a tried and true good book can do?

So I chose an old favorite. Through 4 “please watch the safety demonstration in the event of an emergency landing” monologues while “all electronic equipment is switched off” I plowed through my old favorite, smiling at the words, remembering the characters. I found myself immersed, once again, entirely in the movie in my head – how Amelia’s jetty black hair looked (via a bottle, shhh), her blushing indulgence to femininity in her crimson gowns and fancy undergarments, and her painful need to be right and strong ,and her huge heart and conflicted morality. Ahhhh. There is nothing like catching up with old friends on long plane rides.

Or is it catching up with yourself? I have a theory (supported by nothing except my second Diet Pepsi tonight) that when we connect with something from the past – a book, a movie, a song, even a fragrance – it can take you back to the old YOU. The person you were then, when you first loved it, and it can feel like a comfort because it makes you feel like, or connect with – consciously or not – the old you. That old friend that you knew better than anyone, foibles and all, before you went through the experiences that makes you the YOU of today.

Over the summer I made several long car trips by myself (or with my children, but with THEIR electronic equipment I may as well have been by myself) and I had this odd thing happen. On one trip I was in the middle of the Oregon desert, the boys had their headphones on and I resorted to mindlessly hitting “seek” in hopes of finding something interesting. There were 3 radio stations that came in; one was political news (not on your life), the other was in Spanish (and that gets old when you don’t speak it), and the third . . . just happened to be playing a country song I LOVED when I was in high school (and filled with high school angst, I might add). I found myself singing the words before I could even remember the name of the song or who sang it. I just knew that I knew the words and as I sang each verse and got closer to the chorus I remembered the full song and . . . tears. No kidding. Tears. Because that song comforted me when I was a teen and broken-hearted and here I was, so many years later, and BAM! It pulled at my heart and I was in tears. I don’t remember the who, what or why of that broken-heart – I just remember the emotion the song conveyed all those years ago.

It’s like that movie with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Sleepless in Seattle? And she’s in the car driving and listening to him on the radio, in a bit of a trance, and he just says something that clicks with her heart (something her mother had said, about love & magic) and she’s crying. Just like that. Those things they reverberate in your soul.

Or is that just me? Bah. Maybe. But that’s okay. I can own it.

So – if you find me listening to the soundtrack for The Sound of Music in my headphones please don’t mock because I’m probably a major stressball and I’m just reverting to my childhood happy place as a coping mechanism. Back when my mom and I used to pop popcorn and watch this movie every year around the holidays when it came on tv and I felt loved and when I watched Julie Andrews sing and I could breathe and I knew ALL THINGS IN LIFE WERE POSSIBLE.

Ahhh. Sigh. Breathe. Repeat.

Mucho amor, mes amis!

Stef

(No, I don’t speak Spanish. Or French. It’s Frenish. Just go with it).

Posted on by Wise Sass · 3 Comments

The Story of Me

On this day in history, in a year that shan’t be revealed, a divorced woman went into labor.

She was recently divorced, heartbroken, betrayed, but fervently hoping, waiting, and praying for this baby. She’d had hope before but her hopes had been dashed. Just when hope was dwindling, this baby stayed, safe; a forever companion.

On this day, September 24, that baby – 3 weeks late – said, “Momma, it’s time. Let’s go.” And off they went. With no husband, but a devoted mom & dad, and sisters, to support this little one and her new little one. Her bundle of joy.

As she writhed in pain, pushing, trying to bring this little one into the world, she said she knew, she just knew, that it had to be a boy. “It’s a boy, it’s a boy, I know it is!” But she didn’t know. Back then there were no ultrasounds to tell a momma-to-be what she was going to have.

And with one mighty push from the momma, and a tail-bone cracking kick from the baby, there was no more waiting. She was here. And, indeed, it was a she. The momma cried and named her Stefanie, with an “f”, like Stefanie Powers. Because she thought the baby would be a redhead. (She wasn’t, though possibly in temperament if the wive’s tales are true.)

The momma took the baby girl home, to their little house with the tiny yellow nursery, and it was just them and they were good.

In a few weeks the momma went back to her job at the bank and the baby stayed with her grandma every day. And she didn’t know it, but this was love and it was all she knew and all she needed. At that time.

Then one day the momma met a daddy. He was a daddy before, and he was willing to be a daddy again. And they married. And the daddy adopted little Stefanie to be his very own. A family was born.

And the baby was loved. She had a mommy-forever-companion and a daddy-who-doted and, in time, she had older siblings who moved in too. This little girl climbed up high whenever she could and jumped on things and, in the words of her aunt, she was “fearless.” It was comfort and safety, and she was always caught before she fell. She didn’t know fear.

It was all she knew and she was happy.

XOXO,

Stef

Posted on by Wise Sass · 1 Comment

My Brain Hates Me

This kind of thing right here? This is killing me.

20120725-064514.jpg

This is today. It’s 7 am and I’ve been up for over 3 hours.

I.Need.Sleep.

So much on my mind lately and it seems impossible to turn off my brain. I recently figured out that slowly counting backward from 100 helps. Not last night (this morning?) though. (Can waking at 3:45 am be considered morning or is that still night?)

You’d think in 3 hours time I could do something useful. Fold laundry? Do my nails? Pay bills? Watch the unedited, full-length version of The Sound of Music? But no, because when it’s 4 or 5 am and you’re bone-tired all you want to do is lay there and try to sleep. Which is maddening. And super stupidly unproductive.

You know what else is maddeningly unproductive and mind-numbing? Staring at this for 6 hours:

20120725-065525.jpgBut that’s another story.

So fine. I’ve showered and I’m getting ready for work. You’ve won this battle, brain, but you won’t win the war.

Hello, Starbucks? Can you deliver grande mocha light frappuccinos hourly?

Yours in sleeplessness,

Stef

Posted on by Wise Sass · 2 Comments

On Doing My Best

Last week I was working from home for a couple days while my husband was with the little dude at Cub Scout day camp. (Which was a bit disastrous, but that’s another post). I hung out will my 10 year old for two days and it was so fun to have one on one time with him.

As I was “working” on my laptop in the living room, I turned on an episode of House Hunters. My buddy settled down to watch the episode with me and he was surprised when the couple on the show were gay. Specifically, he was confused by the term “partner” that they used to refer to each other and asked if that meant they were business partners. I explained, no, that meant they were life partners. He asked if that meant they were married. I said, well, maybe – but I’m not sure if marriage is legal in that state. So we looked it up online and found out which states allowed gay marriage, which didn’t, and which allowed some other version like a civil union. As you may expect, that segued us into a very interesting conversation on politics and morality. Um, teachable moment? Yes!

I essentially gave him a crash course in politics, Democrats & Republicans (with a passing nod to other parties), and a high-level overview of hot-button issues. I’m sure he only understood a fraction of what I said, but I hope what stuck with him was my emphasis on the need to learn the issues individually. As he gets older I want to him to think, research, and make decisions on the issues according to what seems right to him. He doesn’t have to follow what his dad and I think; he needs to form those ideals on his own, based on his fact-finding, perception and experience.

I want to provide the best moral guidance I possibly can for my boys so they aren’t caught up in simply what they are told they should believe – either by the media, their friends, or other influential adults. I want their world view to be as all-encompassing as possible. I want them to understand that life isn’t fair, but to also understand they can try to BE FAIR to others. That love, compassion, and kindness is so very necessary and though it’s so often lacking anymore they don’t have to follow that trend. I want my children to help make the world a better place and not contribute to the overall lessening of our moral compass, our collective intellect, and our soul as a country and as a collective world. I want them to understand that we are all responsible for each other.

(I realize “moral compass” can be seen as a bit of a priggish term (a bit stick-up-the-butt, so to speak). I don’t mean it that way; to me, moral compass is knowing right from wrong, good from bad, but also having the ability to understand nuances and extenuating circumstances and intentions behind the actions. To be able to see the big picture – how we all work and interact together, how one action can lead to another, and act accordingly in a way that best protects and nurtures the world and her people).

When I read an article online I typically will scroll down and read the comments. I don’t know why I even do this anymore; I am constantly appalled at the vitriol that come from people’s fingers on the interwebs when there’s no social consequence to their words. People spew hate and venom with little regard to the people their words may affect. I’m sure they think their words don’t make a difference. I can tell you, just scrolling down that list and seeing all the unadulterated bile in post after post certainly affects me.

It makes me wonder what happened. What happened to our collective heart? Are we so very polarized that we can’t imagine that public figures (politicians or otherwise) are people, like you and me, and that they are working and doing the best they can according to their beliefs? There has got to be a way for us to work together, regardless of our beliefs and how they dovetail, in order to protect our world. If people don’t start working together, being sensible to what needs to be done, then I have grave fears about where we will be in 10 years. Or even 5.

For my part, I will teach my kids that it’s not just tolerance that is needed. We need a deeper level of understanding. A deeper level of worldly consciousness. We need to be more selfless. Less motivated by the outcome and more motivated by the journey. I’ll try to teach them to look to the future and worry less about instant gratification. That’s a hard one, I’ll admit, even for me. We are so dialed into our here and now that it’s hard to think of 30, 40, 100 years down the road.

There’s no easy answer here. No quick fix, or easy way to undo all the pain out there. Making my kids *good* people won’t fix it all – I know that. All I know is I will do my best. Like my little Cub Scout. He doesn’t know, or care, what the Cub Scouts stand for, what they believe, or what their controversies have been. He only knows that he needs to do his best.

That’s all we can do.

Mucho love,

Stef

Posted on by Wise Sass

I Have Nothing to Say

That’s not the same as having nothing good to say, you understand. If I had nothing good to say I would say nothing at all. Or, as Olympia Dukakis once said, if I had nothing good to say then I would go sit by her.  (If you were born after 1990 then Google it. And stop using the term “yolo”).

I have nothing important to say. I can’t do justice to it all, you see.

First, though, my apologies for the delay in posting. I suck. Things have been busy and that’s my only excuse. We’ve gone through baseball season, I’ve had clients visit from Brazil, my kids have both finished their school year, my husband has been working various unusual jobs, and what else?? There have been school awards and school picnics, Father’s Day, 4th of July, end of quarter at work, the boys went on a mini-vacation with their grandparents and I got in a fender-bender. Rear-ended in the car we’re trying to sell, of course. Such is life.

Oh, and Magic Mike happened. Hellllloooo Channing Tatum.

 

You’re welcome.

 

So amid all this moderately controlled chaos there’s been other things – other things that put this routine disarray into perspective. Friends and relatives have lost friends and relatives. Children fighting cancer have lost their brave battles. High school friends have wept and agonized and hurt beyond measure over their dear son’s hospital bed wondering what if? What if? What if the accident had been a little different? What if he hadn’t been found so quickly? What if we had to wake up without him in the world?

Life has a way of helping us see the world more clearly. When we get into our own heads too much, when we can’t see beyond the pain or confusion within our own arm’s length, we get cosmically (or karmically?) pounded on the head until we see reason. Until we see and understand the world as a whole again, and understand our place in it.

We will have pain. We will have loss. We will have challenges. We will gain insight and perspective and a greater appreciation for every beautiful thing from every challenge we get through.

So, you see, I have nothing to say. The world is too beautiful for me to dwell on my own moderate injustices. My time is better spent being thankful for my myriad of blessings:

 

My baseball boy.

Cowboy dads.

 

Mommy & Boy time.

 

Dads & daughters.

Grandpas & grandsons.

 

Grandpas, grandsons & trains.

Fireworks & sons.

Amen.

 

With love,

Stef, xoxo

 

 

Posted on by Wise Sass · 2 Comments

Products I love for my face

I’m a typical mom. (At least, I think so).

When I was single, or before I had kids, or when money was more up than down, I took better care of myself. That includes all non-essentials – like personal care products (better, nicer, more expensive), massages, nail care (pedicures anyone?), and even vitamins. Less money plus more stress (kids busy-ness, work, finances) equals me not taking care of myself. This happens frequently. (Even though I work and make a decent income my husband is a freelance writer and actor so our income is up and down, up and down. Did I mention up and down?).

But my mom was in town last week and my mom likes to spoil me. As she put it, as my mother it’s her right to buy me those things I want but won’t buy myself. I love her! So, she took me to The Body Shop because she uses their Vitamin E cream for anti-aging. While there we discovered they were having a fabulous sale so we looked around a bit. And then she got me some products that have changed my life. For reals.

This brush is heaven. Heaven, I tell you. It feels like soft silk gently drifting down your face. Breathe, relax, de-stress. All in a freakin’ brush. Thank you, momma.

(Images and blurbs borrowed from http://www.thebodyshop-usa.com/)

Extra Virgin Mineralsâ„¢ Foundation Brush

This large, rounded brush feels super-soft on your skin and is ideal for applying and blending our Extra Virgin Mineralsâ„¢ Powder Foundation.
High-density, synthetic hairs pick-up ultra-fine powders and feel extra soft on the face’s delicate skin.
The long-lasting, hygienic bristles resist flattening.
Especially-designed handle stands upright.

Second, I hate liquid foundation so I’ve given it up (except on extreme occasions). Instead, I’ve been using powder. Powder from Target. $8 powder by Maybelline or some other such brand from the store. The gal at The Body Shop used the brush above and brushed on some of their face powder. WOW. Coverage. I was shocked that a powder could provide that much coverage. It evened my skin tone  and covered blotchy places and it rocked. Thank you, momma.

All In One Face Base

Best if you want to: Have skin that looks like yours, only better, with an easy-to-use powder-base.

Best for: light to medium to full coverage, oily and combination skin

What it is designed to do:

  • Convenient compact includes an applicator sponge and mirror for on-the-go application.
  • Dermatologist-approved, long-lasting formulation provides smooth coverage.
  • Community Trade marula oil from Namibia helps to repair skin’s moisture barrier.
  • Vitamin E is an antioxidant that helps to soften, condition and protect skin.

Third, and last, I was introduced to powdered bronzer for the first time. This stuff is awesome! The gal told me she uses it as blush most of the time or all over her face depending on the occasion, outfit, or time of year. I love it. I’ve been using it as a blusher since I got it and I think it’s awesome. Thank you, momma.

Baked-To-Last Bronzer

Best if you want to: Create a sun-kissed glow with a natural-looking bronzer, handmade and slow-baked for up to eight hours of deliciously rich color.

Best for: all skin types

What it is designed to do:

  • Community Trade organic olive oil from Italy helps to condition the skin.
  • Community Trade shea butter has antioxidant vitamins A and E to help protect and nourish skinCommunity Trade marula oil from Namibia helps to repair skin’s moisture barrier, leaving skin soft and supple.

These products have changed my life. Like, for reals. And they weren’t very expensive comparatively. I’m definitely going back to The Body Shop soon. I want MORE.

By actively seeking out and using better products I not only look better but I feel better about myself. I feel like I’m not compromising on some cheap product that I don’t have a lot of faith in before I even use them.

My mom said something interesting to me when I was lamenting about my products. She said, “I don’t know why women always go cheap on their products when it’s the one thing that we consistently use nearly every day. We act like it’s not a necessity and it really is.” Amen.

So, do me a favor, okay? Buy something good for yourself. Even if it’s just one thing. One thing that you have faith in and makes you feel like a million bucks. Buy it, use it, OWN it.

Have a good week, friends.

-Stef

The fine print: The Body Shop doesn’t know me. They have not paid me for this product endorsement and these products were paid for by my momma. (Thank you, again, momma). I just want to share a good thing. 🙂