Musings

I haven’t posted in a while. I feel like my posts always need to have a specific purpose – like I need to have a reason to say what I want to say. But I don’t think that’s true, right? I can just say what’s going on in my mind. That would be the purpose of this blog. It’s not private but I also don’t think anybody is reading it so why not?

I ask a lot of questions. It’s just my way of talking. Some are rhetorical and some are not. Your choice. 

I’m still thinking about my mom & stepdad’s visit. It was so awesome to have them here! Sometimes my mom drives me crazy but this time I was much more tolerant. It was easier for me to just appreciate her for who she is this time. Maybe I’m growing old? Maybe I’m just lonely and needed her here. She takes care of me, loves me unconditionally, doesn’t get mad at me if I’m snippy and as I get older I am learning to appreciate her unconditional love more and more. 

I keep thinking about an opportunity that came my way and then, just as quickly, passed me by. It would have been so very good for us, in many ways, but there were some definite detriments. Could I have done it? Yeah, I think so. It’s daunting but I think I would have found the strength and ability when needed. But its gone so it’s better to just let it go. 

I’m falling behind on everything right now. I can feel myself escaping because I can’t handle the sheer volume of stuff I need to do. They aren’t all unpleasant tasks so I’m not sure what my problem is. Maybe a little bit of depression? I hear that’s common at the holidays – though usually I’m happiest at Christmas time. My favorite time of year! This year I can’t seem to get excited. I feel bad about myself because of so many different things and I’m having a hard time seeing past all my internal recriminations. 

Some of the people closest to me in my daily life are going through stressful times. They are ticking time bombs: unpredictable and capable of reacting in any way and at any time. I feel divided in two – I’m either the equalizer or I’m the time bomb myself.  It’s been proven, by a bunch of scientific psychologists, I’m sure, that in the dynamic between two people there is one person who dictates the relationship at any given time. The other person equalizes or provides the balance. If one person is emotionally unstable (at that moment) then the other person acts as the counter-weight. If the other person doesn’t equalize then we see incredible things happen – like those people who lose their minds and beat the crap out of each other, rob banks, or drive off cliffs. 

What’s my point? Just this – if someone equalizes all the time then when do they get to express their emotions? Do they just suppress it and then it comes out later in myriad little rebellions? Or at inopportune times? I don’t know the answer to that. Where’s Dr. Sweets when I need him?  Yes, that was Bones reference. I freaking love that show. 


People are so complex. I love Bones, and the West Wing, and the Stieg Larsson books, and Jane Austen, mostly because of one uniting factor – they talk about people and what makes them tick. If I ever write a book it will be about people, relationships and how they react emotionally. 


Speaking of escaping, here’s a little thing I wrote a while back:

Watch me, watch me!
See how I sigh?
And roll away my eye?
I just caught myself in a lie!
See me, do you see me?
I run and run and run
For me, that’s the key
To not come undone.

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Eeek! Falling down on the job

For a beginning blogger I’m not doing a very good job, am I? I’ve been woefully neglectful! 

In my defense, it was Thanksgiving week and we had company for 7 days, I was off work for 5 days, and we made a very quick 16 hour roundtrip drive/relatives-visit in there as well. But my family just left 30 minutes ago and the turkey & pumpkin pie are almost all gone so I guess it’s time to tune back in to reality. 

Before reality sets in, can I just muse on how absolutely wonderful it was to have my family with us this week? It was my mom & stepdad. My mom is wonderful. She’s SUCH a mom, and grandma. It’s her true calling. That and talking – her nickname is Chatty Cathy because she can talk up anybody. Truly, it’s a gift. I am infinitely more reserved.

When my mom visits, or I visit her, she takes care of ME. Who else does that? My husband . . . sometimes, but he’s busy. You know how it is. But my mom – she worries about me, asks me what she can do to help, and generally just pitches in to make my life a little better during our time together. I’m so lucky to have her! And she’s such a good, supportive, loving grandma. She kisses, hugs, and spoils all of us. She & my stepdad are such gems and I’m one very lucky girl to have them. ❤


So I’m writing today with some sadness, after saying goodbye to them, and some worry since we’re having a snowstorm this morning and they had to leave in it. I hope they make it safely to their destination tonight; I’ll be on pins and needles until I know they are safe.

But I’m also feeling loved, safe and secure today too. They provide us with so much – love, money, and just plain old always-here-for-you support. My family is full of problem-solvers and I love them for it! Generally when I call my mom to discuss an issue before I have even explained the problem she’s saying, “well, could you do this? or what about this?” So we’ve spent the last week discussing, mulling, and agreeing on different things we can do to solve various problems and, really, that’s a gift in itself, right? Just someone to HELP. To talk to and say, “what do you think?” *sigh* I love them.

I have to put a halt to this missive for now; domestic goddess duties are calling. I have to take my boys to a wedding reception tonight and I’m making something gluten-free to bring with me. I’m off to find a gluten-free brownie recipe! Then maybe I’ll blog about that too. 😉 I know I’m going to add cherries and coffee to it for sure. Stay tuned.

Oh, and happy holidays!

Oh the pressure

So do you remember that scene in Pretty Woman where Vivian (Julia Roberts) and her roommate, Kit, are talking about how it’s possible to have the fairytale? Kit insists it’s possible and Viv says “Tell me one person it’s worked out for”, and Kit says, “What, you want me to name someone? You want like a name? Oh, god, the pressure . . . of a name. I got it! Cinderf&%#inrella!”

I have two points I want to make about that:

1. That’s how I feel trying to “birth” this blog – oh the pressure . . . of the words. What should I say? I feel compelled to start it though I have no clear purpose or any particular knowledge to impart. The plan for this blog is yet unplanned. I hope it will be my outlet. When I have something to say I can say it here. One day it will have pictures and the next it will have a poem, or a rant. I thought I might have a clear purpose, a theme, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I’m just a bit too random to adhere to a theme. Everyday will be different – a topic du jour, so to speak.

2. I think a lot of what I write about will be my life and all the trials and tribulations therein. My life as a mom, a wife, and just how, exactly, to be super woman. (I’ll let you know when I get that one figured out – should be happening any minute now). I think the most obvious theme if, in fact, there is a theme at all, is there is no one happy ending – there are LOTS of them – and we learn as we go. They aren’t all about being rescued (though some are, and for those I’m grateful) but some happy endings are just about an increased awareness, or perception, of a situation that allows us to ascend to the next chapter in our lives. Growing up? Yes, maybe. Growing in knowledge and experience? Definitely.

So – if you are up for it, come along with me and let’s figure out a few things, okay? 

Ciao!