Because I don’t know how to say it. I don’t want to say it. It’s distasteful to say or write. I have said it but I haven’t really written it. There is a difference. There’s a finality.

I am not naturally brave.

This decision. The depth of my sadness, my despair, my fear – it was vast and deep and all-consuming. What could possibly make me break the hearts of the people I hold so very dear to me? What could drive me there? What would make me stand up and do this horrible thing that I vowed to never do?

13 years and 2 months ago when I stood up in front of our family & friends and declared (gulp) divorce was not an option for me I whole-heartedly believed it. With the knowledge I had then. I didn’t know what would happen. I couldn’t imagine.

I could write a long diatribe about how I feel I’m the injured party. How I feel the decision I’ve made is the right one – not only for me, but for him, and the kids. I could explain that in detail; but what would be the point?

For the record: I have very good reasons. I have reasons that a lesser woman would have succumbed to long ago. But there really is no point in delineating each of those reasons. There is always going to be two sides to every story. We are always going to see a situation from our own perspectives – indeed, how could we not? – and when those perspectives are misaligned there simply is no agreement to be found.

All I ask is this – if you ever loved me or trusted me or thought I had a good head on my shoulders then, please, take a moment to understand what level of unhappiness would drive me to make this awful, painful, hurtful decision. This . . . this is never what I wanted. How did THIS become the lesser of two miseries?

Realize, please, that you have not walked in my shoes. You don’t know. Nobody can know how I felt or feel. Nobody can understand. All you can do is trust the ME that you do know and realize that my logical head isn’t going to let me randomly, without thought or worry, make a decision such as this.

Don’t forget that I’m still here. The person you know and love – I’m still here and I am still me. The love I have in my heart for the people I have called family for 14 years is still here. It’s unfailing. I hold no anger or resentment to them. I am, most of all, so very, very sad.

To him, though, I have such a mix of feelings. Sadness. Confusion. Anger. Resentment.

Yes, those feelings all have a time & place. I think it’s time to let them go now. They have no place in my future. I’m tired of their companionship and I bid them farewell.

*sigh*  And still it must be said:

Several months ago I asked my husband of 13 years for a separation. He has recently come back and pushed for a divorce. We are in a holding pattern for now. I’m hoping that we can do the best by our kids, given the circumstances. They, and their well-being, are my priority.

With love,

Stef

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2 thoughts on “I’ve been holding my tongue

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