God sends us reminders

I’m not overly religious but I do attend church. A progressive church – a UCC – where the Bible isn’t used as literal history but more of a book of lessons. I love it.

So the other day I was lamenting. I was lonely, sad, wishing for love, scared for my future … and then I had a couple of great days and, man, did I ever need that!

First a bunch of my friends from my former workout studio came over last night and hung out. We ate, talked, and did a white elephant gift exchange and it was fabulous. I’m so grateful for these precious, beautiful, smart, amazing, strong women.

Then, today, my boys & I hung out, went to lunch, Christmas shopping, and they didn’t complain or give me a hard time and it was perfect. And I realized, THIS is my future. THIS is my love. Whether I ever have romantic love in my life again or not, I will have these two fantastic humans. If I lose my house and have to make ends meet the best I can, I will still have these two people to make my life full. They are so special.

The ebb and flow of life happens naturally. We have the remember to always count our blessings as we go.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to you & yours. May your 2018 be full of joy & light! It WILL be a good year.

Xoxo,

Stef

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Looking forward

3:30 AM observations. Take them for what they’re worth.

Sometimes when you look behind you, and you get just the right angle, you can see a beautiful thing.

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You may be tempted to turn around – after all, why leave safety, the known, when it’s there all pretty and deceptively gleaming?

You can’t get ahead and grow up in life without being brave and taking a few shaky steps into the unknown darkness.

On the other side you may find things different than what you’ve known before. Different, but inviting and beautiful in their own right.

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Don’t be afraid.

XOXO,

Stef

Letting go

I’m due for a post regarding the holidays, our trip to California or my son’s 8th birthday. Or something else – like my Christmas tree falling over while my dad was house-sitting and breaking some of my favorite glass bulbs, or my dog vomiting the day we left, or my car needing new brakes on the trip. Or I’m way, way overdue in putting together a post on my kids, their medications and how frustrating medicating them is to me.

I’m overdue to share, or overshare, a lot of things but today I have one thing banging around inside of my head and I can’t let it go.

Relationships between women are TOUGH. Thank goodness men turn me on more than women because, honestly, mixing romantic love with the already complicated relationship women have together sounds like a nightmare.

A good female friend of mine hurt me a couple weeks ago. She didn’t hit me, or call me a bitch, or sleep with my husband. It was much less obvious than that, but felt like so much more to me.

She marginalized me. She made me feel like my time wasn’t valuable and my presence in her life was unnecessary. She didn’t say it, outright, but it was in lots of little actions. Unanswered invitations, changes in plans with no alternatives, and implied plans never materialized. Harsh words, in the end, rather than understanding.

I made exceptions. I said, “Oh, that’s just her. She’s dealing with something. She’s stressed. She’s dealing with a lot.” Then someone said, “Isn’t that what you always say? What about you?”

I didn’t know what to say. So I shut-up. I didn’t say anything else. To her, to my husband, to my mother – to anybody. I said I didn’t want to talk about it. And I didn’t. I didn’t want to think about it – though my mind wouldn’t stop churning against it.

What about me?

Again, AGAIN, I find myself putting her needs in front of my own. Making her wants more important than mine. AGAIN.

Wait. Stop. I’m not trying to bash her. I love her. I do.

I’m HURT. She makes me feel like I need to be “worthy” to be her friend. I find myself wondering if anybody feels that way about me? I hope not. I just want a friend.

When we’re good, and she’s content, then we’re great. She knows everything about me. Every secret. Every desire. Every heartbreak. She knows EVERYTHING.

So how could she be so dismissive? How could she let this opportunity go so easily? Why was she so rigid in everything she said or did? It was ME, for goodness sakes. Just me. Me. I invite you into every facet of my life and family and you give so little. Invite so little. Include me so very, very little.

So I pulled back. I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling. For almost two weeks I’ve refused to talk about it or think about it or write about it. Until today, and I don’t know that I’m expressing myself very effectively now either but I had to, today, because she put the final nail in the coffin.

I was working towards being able to reach out to her again. Getting ready to talk about what happened and try to bridge that gap.  Mentally, today, I was getting closer to dealing with this issue. Ready to bring it to the forefront of my mind and gnash my teeth with it and figure out why this particular hurt was so very hurtful.

Then, today, I noticed she unfriended me on Facebook. Childish behavior indeed, and designed to get a rise out of me. But that was it. Now I feel pushed around and manipulated and any guilt I felt for not reaching out before now has vanished. Vanished. I love her like a sister and she couldn’t even wait for me to work through this. She just had to push and push and push.

And I’m done.

If you love someone like family then you LOVE them. Every stinkin’ smelly difficult part of them. I love her and I wish her well but I cannot be manipulated. I cannot be a friend only when she desires me to be one. She cannot have all my friendship anymore because she doesn’t take good care of it. I’m done.

And that, my friends, is why relationships between women are TOUGH .

And why I will not be turning lesbian any time soon.

xoxo,

Stef