Posted on by Wise Sass · 2 Comments

I’ve been holding my tongue

Because I don’t know how to say it. I don’t want to say it. It’s distasteful to say or write. I have said it but I haven’t really written it. There is a difference. There’s a finality.

I am not naturally brave.

This decision. The depth of my sadness, my despair, my fear – it was vast and deep and all-consuming. What could possibly make me break the hearts of the people I hold so very dear to me? What could drive me there? What would make me stand up and do this horrible thing that I vowed to never do?

13 years and 2 months ago when I stood up in front of our family & friends and declared (gulp) divorce was not an option for me I whole-heartedly believed it. With the knowledge I had then. I didn’t know what would happen. I couldn’t imagine.

I could write a long diatribe about how I feel I’m the injured party. How I feel the decision I’ve made is the right one – not only for me, but for him, and the kids. I could explain that in detail; but what would be the point?

For the record: I have very good reasons. I have reasons that a lesser woman would have succumbed to long ago. But there really is no point in delineating each of those reasons. There is always going to be two sides to every story. We are always going to see a situation from our own perspectives – indeed, how could we not? – and when those perspectives are misaligned there simply is no agreement to be found.

All I ask is this – if you ever loved me or trusted me or thought I had a good head on my shoulders then, please, take a moment to understand what level of unhappiness would drive me to make this awful, painful, hurtful decision. This . . . this is never what I wanted. How did THIS become the lesser of two miseries?

Realize, please, that you have not walked in my shoes. You don’t know. Nobody can know how I felt or feel. Nobody can understand. All you can do is trust the ME that you do know and realize that my logical head isn’t going to let me randomly, without thought or worry, make a decision such as this.

Don’t forget that I’m still here. The person you know and love – I’m still here and I am still me. The love I have in my heart for the people I have called family for 14 years is still here. It’s unfailing. I hold no anger or resentment to them. I am, most of all, so very, very sad.

To him, though, I have such a mix of feelings. Sadness. Confusion. Anger. Resentment.

Yes, those feelings all have a time & place. I think it’s time to let them go now. They have no place in my future. I’m tired of their companionship and I bid them farewell.

*sigh*  And still it must be said:

Several months ago I asked my husband of 13 years for a separation. He has recently come back and pushed for a divorce. We are in a holding pattern for now. I’m hoping that we can do the best by our kids, given the circumstances. They, and their well-being, are my priority.

With love,

Stef

Posted on by Wise Sass · 2 Comments

On Doing My Best

Last week I was working from home for a couple days while my husband was with the little dude at Cub Scout day camp. (Which was a bit disastrous, but that’s another post). I hung out will my 10 year old for two days and it was so fun to have one on one time with him.

As I was “working” on my laptop in the living room, I turned on an episode of House Hunters. My buddy settled down to watch the episode with me and he was surprised when the couple on the show were gay. Specifically, he was confused by the term “partner” that they used to refer to each other and asked if that meant they were business partners. I explained, no, that meant they were life partners. He asked if that meant they were married. I said, well, maybe – but I’m not sure if marriage is legal in that state. So we looked it up online and found out which states allowed gay marriage, which didn’t, and which allowed some other version like a civil union. As you may expect, that segued us into a very interesting conversation on politics and morality. Um, teachable moment? Yes!

I essentially gave him a crash course in politics, Democrats & Republicans (with a passing nod to other parties), and a high-level overview of hot-button issues. I’m sure he only understood a fraction of what I said, but I hope what stuck with him was my emphasis on the need to learn the issues individually. As he gets older I want to him to think, research, and make decisions on the issues according to what seems right to him. He doesn’t have to follow what his dad and I think; he needs to form those ideals on his own, based on his fact-finding, perception and experience.

I want to provide the best moral guidance I possibly can for my boys so they aren’t caught up in simply what they are told they should believe – either by the media, their friends, or other influential adults. I want their world view to be as all-encompassing as possible. I want them to understand that life isn’t fair, but to also understand they can try to BE FAIR to others. That love, compassion, and kindness is so very necessary and though it’s so often lacking anymore they don’t have to follow that trend. I want my children to help make the world a better place and not contribute to the overall lessening of our moral compass, our collective intellect, and our soul as a country and as a collective world. I want them to understand that we are all responsible for each other.

(I realize “moral compass” can be seen as a bit of a priggish term (a bit stick-up-the-butt, so to speak). I don’t mean it that way; to me, moral compass is knowing right from wrong, good from bad, but also having the ability to understand nuances and extenuating circumstances and intentions behind the actions. To be able to see the big picture – how we all work and interact together, how one action can lead to another, and act accordingly in a way that best protects and nurtures the world and her people).

When I read an article online I typically will scroll down and read the comments. I don’t know why I even do this anymore; I am constantly appalled at the vitriol that come from people’s fingers on the interwebs when there’s no social consequence to their words. People spew hate and venom with little regard to the people their words may affect. I’m sure they think their words don’t make a difference. I can tell you, just scrolling down that list and seeing all the unadulterated bile in post after post certainly affects me.

It makes me wonder what happened. What happened to our collective heart? Are we so very polarized that we can’t imagine that public figures (politicians or otherwise) are people, like you and me, and that they are working and doing the best they can according to their beliefs? There has got to be a way for us to work together, regardless of our beliefs and how they dovetail, in order to protect our world. If people don’t start working together, being sensible to what needs to be done, then I have grave fears about where we will be in 10 years. Or even 5.

For my part, I will teach my kids that it’s not just tolerance that is needed. We need a deeper level of understanding. A deeper level of worldly consciousness. We need to be more selfless. Less motivated by the outcome and more motivated by the journey. I’ll try to teach them to look to the future and worry less about instant gratification. That’s a hard one, I’ll admit, even for me. We are so dialed into our here and now that it’s hard to think of 30, 40, 100 years down the road.

There’s no easy answer here. No quick fix, or easy way to undo all the pain out there. Making my kids *good* people won’t fix it all – I know that. All I know is I will do my best. Like my little Cub Scout. He doesn’t know, or care, what the Cub Scouts stand for, what they believe, or what their controversies have been. He only knows that he needs to do his best.

That’s all we can do.

Mucho love,

Stef

Posted on by Wise Sass

I don’t even LIKE white chocolate

We’ve had “management training” courses the last two days at my office. These classes consist of me and half a dozen other managers/supervisors hanging out in a conference room eating candy, playing with toys, occasionally watching videos and talking about how to be better at our jobs.

The important thing here is the candy. (Obviously).

But I do have to say spotting a Martin Sheen lookalike in one of the training videos was cool. It turned out to be Martin Sheen’s brother.

Back to the candy.

I’m not a huge candyholic or anything. I mean, I like specifically what I like and that’s it. (Usually dark chocolate, and especially See’s. Just FYI since, you know, ’tis the season). Wink.

But yesterday the instructor (a totally sweet and knowledgeable gal named Karen) dumped a bag of peppermint candy cane kisses on the table.

I was unperturbed. I don’t even like white chocolate. (It’s not REAL chocolate, you know).

But the other people around me started trying them and flipping out. So I thought what the hay and I tried one. That was the beginning of the end.

Crunchy and smooth. Minty and chocolatey. Perfect combo.

I think our class nearly finished off the bag. No kidding. (By the way, just FYI, the men in the class were so much worse than the ladies at shoveling it down!)

Anyway, to make a short story long, TRY THESE:

20111202-021254.jpg

Posted on by Wise Sass

Influence & Persuasion

As do all things in life, the subject I’m about to discuss traces right back to Jane Austen. Jane was the master of the slight nuances and the big, painful realities. She knew that perception was key in relationships – men, women, friends, lovers, families. How we feel with people, our histories, our feuds, our friendships. It’s all perception.

Jane Austen said: What wild imagination one forms, where dear self is concerned! How sure to be mistaken!

A few assumptions, partially overheard conversations and, voila, someone’s pride is hurt, their previous warm feelings are questioned and they want to know – was it all a lie? Is this relationship contrived? A fake? A phony? Have I just been given lip service all this time, or was this real?

Don’t we all want to love and be loved in return? By family, friends and lovers alike. If I was a Beatle I would say, “All We Need is Love.”  See? It’s universal. If a Beatle said it, and writers have written about it for ages, and songs are sung about it ad nauseum, then it simply must be true.

It’s amazing how much human nature just absolutely DOES NOT CHANGE. Read Jane Austen now, in the present, and you’ll see the same interpersonal interactions that still occur today in similar circumstances.

We don’t change.

We don’t evolve our emotions. Daughters feel the same about their mothers and fathers. Parents feel the same about their children. Siblings bicker and love just the same. Jealously, spite, love, passion – the consistency of interpersonal relationships are one of the few constants in our society.

That includes irrational fears and insecurities. We all want to feel superior to some people and quite often we feel inferior to others. We all want to be well thought of and deemed worthy of love and praise. Remember the Bennet girls? Their value based on how they were rated by men and women alike. We’re the same. We judge. We gossip. We struggle to survive with our fragile, delicate little egos intact EVERY SINGLE BLEEPIN’ DAY.

To that end, we allow outside influences to infiltrate our minds. It settles in – reclines the la-z-boy and cracks a beer – and says, hey, this is my home, I’ve been here all along – didn’t you notice? And I’m going to stay. Pretty soon we don’t know which idea was ours and which was born from another place, another influence.

Is this idea me? Is it mine? Does it matter? If someone thought of it, and I like it and want to emulate it, does it matter that it wasn’t MINE first? I like it. It’s a good thought. It’s a good idea. I want to share it.

But at the end of the day the most important question should be – is this the genuine me? Would I naturally do this or am I being persuaded to do so by my own need to feel loved and wanted and admired? Sometimes I think that’s the hardest question of all.

Where do I end and my influences begin? And is there such a thing as plagiarizing a thought?

I just don’t know. We are all such strangely complex creatures yet our overall needs appear to be quite simplistic.

Alas, it’s 1 am and these riddles won’t be resolved tonight. I should have gone to bed an hour ago but I felt absolutely compelled to put my fingers to the keyboard and just throw out these rambling, unanswerable questions. Chalk it up to late-night soul-searching.

Good night, dear friends. Be genuine.

Posted on by Wise Sass · 3 Comments

Glasses & why I can’t win

This is a complaint. Quick, with pictures and a request for YOUR opinion. You tell me if I should be annoyed or not. Because, I gotta be honest, I’m feeling a little annoyed. 
Today I went to the eye doctor. I picked out new glasses and I sent a pic of them to, uh, let’s just say “someone close to me who has opinions. Lots of them.”
These are the new glasses I picked out:
Awesome, right? I wanted a heavier frame and something a little funky on the sides. My last heavier frame was a little boring. I wanted something dramatic. I’m excited for them. 
BUT – I’m getting ahead of myself. First, some history. 
I had some heavier frames a couple years ago. I liked the heavier (by that I mean thicker, more pronounced. Not heavier in actual lbs) look but I didn’t love the glasses. However, that someone close to me loved them. Thought they looked great. Here they are:
That cutie pie is my grand-niece.
When it was time to get new glasses I opted for a lighter pair. Only a half frame so that the glasses “disappeared a little” in my face and weren’t so pronounced. Someone close to me thought I should stick with the heavier frame but I opted not to. 
These are the glasses I went with:
New glasses. Gigantic forehead.
I regretted it pretty quickly. I wished I had kept a heavier frame. These weren’t funky enough. 
So that brings us back to today. I picked out that pair at the top, sent a picture off to someone close to me, and then proceeded to order the frames. I was just getting ready to pay for them when I received this text message:

I don’t think your glasses should steal attention from your face. Everyday glasses should be somewhat neutral.

Um, for reals? I’m buying these right now and I get an objection? Via text?
So I went ahead and bought them. Tell me. What do you think? Would you have gone with the heavier glasses? And should I be annoyed at the last minute veto?

I think glasses are fun and funky and you can change them every stinkin’ year so what’s wrong with something outside the norm? Plus the new ones I picked out go well with my new, shorter ‘do.

Posted on by Wise Sass · 4 Comments

Bedroom Project Update #1

First, a mea culpa to my mom (though she doesn’t read the blog – I need to put it out there). 
Wait, before that even – there’s an explanation: In the process of doing the bedroom project it was important for me to CLEAN OUT MY CLOSET. Apologies for shouting, but I’m trying to pound it into my own head. It’s been needed for quite a while. In fact, I bought a red storage tote – last year – just for the purpose of keeping the clothes I couldn’t part with when I cleaned the closet. The tote has worked well as a surface for me to pile clothes on – until today.
You see, I have a problem with clothes. I don’t like to let them go. My weight fluctuates so much that I can justify it, usually. And I don’t give two rips about what’s stylish at any given point in time; I just try to wear what I like and whatever I think looks good on me. I have so many clothes that, most of the time, I don’t wear what’s hanging in my closet. Most of the clothes I wear on a daily basis are stored elsewhere: folded on top of my dresser, in a pile to be hung (but never actually gets hung up), or draped over the armchair in our bedroom. It’s stupid, I know. I can own it.
Which brings us back to CLEANING OUT MY CLOSET. So that it can actually be useful, dammit. I started today – see:
There’s the red tote of clothes to keep. Alma mater t-shirt and my great grandmother’s sweater right on top. Behind the tote is a bag of clothes to donate.
Okay, back to the mea culpa. When I got to the very, very, very back of my closet I discovered some bagged hangers. When I pulled them out, I found these:
Prom/Formal dresses
In my very last post I accused my mom of having a faulty memory and doing something with the black & white dress (my favorite). I honestly thought she had given it away. Sorry mom!! I do have some others that are missing and I’m sure those were donated – but these were my favorites and I’m so happy I still have them. Sizes 5/6.

(Yeah, I’m totally jealous of my 16/17 year old self at the moment.  I think my right boob would still fit in one of those dresses. And maybe one thigh. (Ugh, that was almost 20 years and 2 kids ago so why does it bother me? It’s ridiculous. Of COURSE I was smaller then. Duh. Shaking it off. Moving on))

Back to to the bedroom project update. 
I went shopping last night at Home Goods and picked out two completely different bedding sets. One was a Ralph Lauren comforter set that was cream with roses and was somewhat shabby chic. The hubby approved, surprisingly. The other was a red tone-on-tone striped sateen duvet cover set. The hubby rejoiced. It was also $60 cheaper so the Ralph Lauren went back to the store today. I washed the new red bedding this morning and threw it on the bed with our favorite high-thread count cream sheets: 
Sham, look familiar?
But, with such a plain bedding choice I was left trying to figure out what colors to pair with it in the room. I also needed to pick a wall color and some decor. Luckily the lamps I have in the room already have red shades so we’re all set there. 
I had a gift card for Target and decided to look for curtains there. I found a striped set that will work, and they helped me to set the color palette for the room. Then I hit a few thrift stores and found a fabulous shiny pleated bedskirt that matches the curtains. (I will not buy bedding at thrift stores (eww factor) – but I figure a bedskirt is okay. I washed it 2 seconds after I got home). I had already picked up the wall art/shadowboxes at Home Goods as well:
You can’t tell, but the big greenish stripe is actually a different color than the small greenish stripe.
So, the color palette is red, a goldish taupe, green, & cream.We’re going to paint the walls cream. I’m considering an accent wall in a deeper color. We’ll see.

All in all, it’s going well. I’ve spent under $80 for everything. Next steps are: 1. finish cleaning out the room, 2. buy the paint & then actually paint (big job! it’s a good-sized room), and 3. figure out some additional shelving/storage options for the room. My thrift store shopping today was unsuccessful in that department.

G’night!

Posted on by Wise Sass

Sickness update

Youngest boy – home sick. Cough, snot – check. Not lethargic though but kept him home to be on the safe side. 
Oldest boy – not sick. Yet. What’s the incubation time for Strep? The hubby reports that he has a snotty attitude though, if that counts. He’s home on his 3 week track break so he’s happy as a clam. Except for the chores his dad is making him do – hence the ‘tude. What’s the darn incubation for Strep?
The hubby – good. He slept in since both boys are home and he appears to be quite chipper. He has one of those voices that you can instantly tell his mood as soon as he says hello. Or maybe *I* can – because I’m his wife and I know these things. When his voice is happy we’re all happy.
Me – achy, warm skin and really feeling the need to lay down. But I’m at work. Laying down is frowned upon. (Writing in my blog at work is probably frowned upon too – but I’m not asking. Moving on.) 3rd of 3 meetings today in 45 minutes. Heating up my lunch shortly, then the meeting (which will be all sorts of fun – NOT), then going to the Chiropractor. I may or may not return to work. Let’s hope not.

There’s the sickness update. I knew you were waiting for it.

Posted on by Wise Sass · 1 Comment

Sickness is invading. Craptastic.

My little one has been snotty all weekend and was running a low temp Saturday night before bed. He refuses most medicines, no matter what form, so it’s always fun and bath-requiring tp administer liquid meds. (I exaggerate a little – we’ve got it down to a science now with two of us tag-teaming him, but if it’s just one of us then it’s gonna get messy. And frustrating). 
First, though, the good of the weekend:
I had a great day on Saturday. I dropped my oldest off to stay the night with a cousin, and then picked up a girlfriend to go to an afternoon get-together at another friend’s house. I had a yummy skinny-girl margarita (does that mean I’m skinny? No? Darn.) at the party and hung out with four other women. Fun. Then we did a little shopping and went to a pub for dinner, just my friend and I. Later when I got home I hung out with the little snuffily man that evening and then watched a movie (Inception) with the hubby when he got done with his work for the day. (He works freelance and it’s definitely not an 8-5, M-F gig).
The bad:
We were supposed to go to a birthday party at my in-law’s house on Sunday but little snuffily man was too snuffily and I was afraid of getting the other kiddos sick so I stayed home with him and sent the hubby without me. That’s not so bad. But I was unmotivated to do laundry, clean the kitchen, or otherwise work on any meaningful project at my house. I just lounged on the sofa snuggling with the little guy and we watched a Disney movie together. Again – not so bad, but I feel guilty for not being more motivated. 
I also feel guilty for neglecting the blog these past few days. Apologies. 
(Side note: I don’t know why I always feel such enormous amounts of guilt. It’s built into my very nature and no matter what I do I can’t get rid of it. Ugh. I’m not even Catholic!)
Now the worst: 
We just found out that the cousin our oldest stayed the night with on Saturday went to urgent care on Sunday evening and tested positive for strep. Fan-effing-tastic.
Now I have started to feel run down. My skin feels hot and tingly. Maybe it’s the power of suggestion. Maybe it’s hanging out with snuffily man all weekend.
On the bright side – I did do a load of dishes and two loads of laundry. I made lasagna for dinner and some chocolate chip cookies too. I also beat Plants vs. Zombies again. Oh, wait, that’s counter-productive to the other items on the list, isn’t it? Oh well. Everything in moderation, right? Balance work with fun and all that. 
I do have some blog thoughts percolating but none have really sunk in and grabbed hold yet. It’s coming, I promise. 

Thank you for letting me spew, my dear friends. Apologies. Pray, chant, light a candle, whatever, that Strep doesn’t invade my house. Please and thank you.