Mental illness does not equate to “criminally insane.”
First, let’s start here: I actually prefer the term “mentally different” versus “mentally ill”. “Ill” implies that the person is sick and they can be cured. And when referring to Autism, specifically, that’s a developmental disorder. Not a mental illness. The mentally different, and Autistics, are wired differently, making it harder for them to learn and assimilate into society like neuro-typicals. But they aren’t broken; they can be fully functioning members of society. They have hearts and souls, and they need love just like the rest of us. We need to help those people even more – those people AND their families – some how, some way, so they aren’t made to feel bad for being different. Or resentful or angry.
And (in-an-oh-by-the-way-how-come-you-didn’t-know-this-already-tone) we really need to not keep guns near them too. Because, duh, impulsiveness is pretty common in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).
Autistics are not naturally calculating, violent predators. Their violence is reactive, unplanned and immediate. Generally a response to frustration and an inability to make themselves understood. Other conditions can influence this, of course, like ADHD or other neuro/developmental disorders, and those people who have combinations that can lead to violence, or a history of minor violence, should be monitored and provided all the help and support they need. It’s incredibly heartbreaking but it doesn’t always have to be. They can learn to cope.
I don’t know why Adam Lanza did what he did. I wish I understood. I wish I knew. My son is Autistic with ADHD and has some emerging aggressive behaviors. Tell me – how can I help him? How? Am I doing enough?
I know the answer to that last question – NO.
I should be doing more. I should have every measure of support possible made available to him. He is so worth it. I want him to be that kid on the news who has Autism and ADHD and beats the odds to give the Valedictorian speech at his school, or invents something truly amazing and scientific, or who uses his amazing heart & soul to develop a non-profit organization with grassroots support that spans the world.
I don’t want him to be that kid that everybody shakes their head at and calls a soulless coward, or a lunatic, or they say he’s “mentally ill” with a sneer in their voice and the implication that within that phrase is the answer to the whole story. It’s not.
Off the top of my head, I want my son to have these things:
SUPPORT. Unwavering, unlimited support from family, friends, authority figures, school systems and the government. He’s so sweet. How can everybody not love him and want him to succeed? How can he create something amazing if he isn’t given an environment where he can think?
Therapies (social, occupational, speech) available regardless of ability to pay, and with minimal hoops to jump through.
A positive family environment. I think this is so important. Nurture your children. Help them learn. Lead by example. (I think we all forget that from time to time).
Uplifting, supportive teachers and staff to provide positive learning environments. Why would a kid want to learn or continue to pay attention in school if being at school is like torture for him? We need to protect our children. Sometimes I don’t think we recognize the dangers out there; the peer pressure, the bullying, the struggle of being an individual but also trying to fit in with the crowd. It’s especially hard since neuro-typical kids often learn to cope without help; we assume all kids can but often that’s not the case.
Insulation from things they don’t understand or can’t comprehend yet – like violence. If kids are exposed to violent acts before they have the proper perspective it can make it seem more acceptable some how. Like this violence is just a part of life so maybe I should embrace it. Every act of violence – targeting children or not, targeting Americans or not – should be shocking to us. ALL of us. We cannot continue to accept violence as a natural part of our lives.
Somebody told me that I should tell my 10 & 8 year olds about the shooting in Connecticut to “prepare them” and to “teach them what to do in that situation.” Sorry. No. I will NOT being doing that. We should NOT have to prepare our kids for a situation in which they may have to HIDE FOR THEIR LIVES. At their SCHOOL.
Let’s protect our children. ALL of them.
Yours, in despair, anger & heartbreak,
Stef (just another mother of a mentally different person)
Edited on 12/17/12 to add reaction to new information.
Today I am only a mom. I am not an employee today. I am not a daughter or a wife. I am just a mom.
I will never understand the thought process that tells a person it is okay for them to take another life. I will never understand that. To take their life? It’s not like robbing them of all their cash, or stealing their watch, or even burning down their house. But to end their life? Just like that and in the blink of eye? No, never.
But even worse – children. Innocents. I can’t even think of it. My heart is exploding with empathetic pain and anguish for every loved one of every murdered child. And today, especially, today.
I’ve been to Newtown, Connecticut, and it’s a small town. A tight community. I know people with children there. They are safe, thank goodness. But so, so many others are not.
Once upon a time I supported capital punishment. Why shouldn’t a criminal, someone obviously evil who have (likely) hurt others, get the ultimate punishment?
And then I realized – I don’t have the right to make that decision. The government does not have the right to make that decision. As humans we are flawed, vulnerable, and set upon this earth for a limited time. Our time is up when the universe (God, Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh, Divine, Great Spirit, Creator, or whatever you believe) has determined it to be up. No mere mortal should be able to independently make that decision.
I want those sick criminals to feel the pain and punishment of their actions. I want them to agonize and wail and fight and hurt for what they have done. As thinking, feeling humans they are compelled to reason through their actions over time in the best way they can. That may equate to remorse and acknowledgment of their bad deeds. It may just fuel the anger, hatred and resentment within them. In either case – they need to feel those emotions to torture them for what they did. Killing that murderer, as the “eye for an eye” believers push, will not punish the murderer. It just ends their pain.
The shooter is dead – whether by his own hand or another, I don’t know as of this writing. By this act he was essentially committing suicide anyway. What a coward. To inflict such pain on innocents. To hurt so many people so wholly unconnected with him. If the soul does live on at all, whether there is a hell or through reincarnation, I hope this man is made to feel the pain & anguish of every relative of every person he killed today, over and over and over again, throughout his existence.
May those children and teachers, whose lives were lost today through this senseless act, never be forgotten. I will never forget.
Tell me this – how do I protect my children from being murdered? How do I keep them safe?
Yours, in love, anguish and paralyzing fear,
Stef (just another Mom)
Edited to add: Since writing this on Friday I’ve found out more about the shooter. The speculation/assumption from apparent people “in the know” is that the shooter, Adam Lanza, was mentally ill. Possibly Autistic/Aspberger’s. Now I’m just sad for all of them. Sad and broken-hearted and I can’t think about those poor innocents and their families without breaking down entirely. Peace be with all 28 people who died as part of this tragedy.
We don’t take a lot of vacations. I’d love to – but it’s just not something we do. Typically we go to California to visit my family for a week every summer, broil in the hot CenCal sun, and lay around the pool for days on end. Then we come home. This year, though, I was DETERMINED to go somewhere.
Not just anywhere though. Seattle.
Seattle on a Fall morning
I’ve never been to Seattle! (I’ve been to the airport – that doesn’t count).
You see – I’ve always thought Seattle seemed cool. This mecca of crunchy, real people living a REAL life – a life not based on materialistic needs or desires, but REAL. The kind of culture that would encourage the grunge rock culture that sprouted there so many years ago. I’ve had too many years of watching movies like “Singles” and, one of my personal, secret, favorites, “Girl.”
So it turns out Seattle is just a city after all. I mean, a really cool city with a nice vibe, cool people, and awesome sites – but just a city after all. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The other reason I really wanted to go to Seattle was KING TUT!! I’ve wanted to see this traveling exhibit for years but it seems I have always just missed the opportunity in cities I’ve visited. And this was the last chance; Tut is going back home to Egypt in January. (Not that Tut was really there – just his stuff).
Scheduling this trip was a bit of a nightmare between work, the kids’ school schedules (which are different – one in mod year round and the other traditional) and my husband’s acting commitments (which are varied and timed randomly). So months ago I decided to go in November – after my husband’s current play ends, before his Christmas commitments begin, and while my oldest is on track break. That meant pulling my little bubba out of school for a few days, which I typically don’t do, but it was worth it. Okay – that’s the backstory.
We set out on Nov 7, (later than we would have liked because I stupidly planned to take this trip the day after the election and didn’t even think about how crazy glued to the tv and election results I would be!), and our plan was to drive to Seattle and get there in the evening. (It’s about an 8 hour drive from Boise). But the boys, as you can imagine, had to stop quite often. I joked that it was our driving tour of rest stops in the Pacific Northwest (PNW).
Rest stop in Oregon.Washington countryside
We had also decided to stop in Roslyn, Washington – a tiny town that’s about 1.5 hours from Seattle and fairly close to our route. Have you heard of Roslyn? Can you imagine why we might go there? Well, my husband graduated from high school in the late 80’s and in the early 90’s he was in college and watching tv and fell in LOVE with a show called Northern Exposure. I never really watched it until he and I got together and then we used to watch the reruns on some cable channel 10 years ago. And I fell in love with it too. The show is set in a town called Cicely, Alaska, but was filmed in Roslyn, WA. My husband had always wanted to go there.
We got to Roslyn later than we would have liked, but it was still so awesome to be there. We took a pic at the Roslyn Cafe sign (which is in the opening credits of Northern Exposure) and we visited the building that had been Dr. Fleischmann’s office, and peered in the windows of The Brick, and we ate pizza at Village Pizza (which was so good, btw, and they provide honey for eating with the crust of the pizza. Like a dessert. Crazy, but good!). Then we hit the road again and finally got to Seattle.
Day 1 – The Pacific Science Center. Such an awesome place. We had tickets for one of the King Tut IMAX movies and then for the exhibit itself, but in-between we got to check out a lot of cool things – their tropical butterfly exhibit, the animatronic dinosaurs, the fun water toys, etc. The King Tut exhibit wasn’t as fun, for me, as I had hoped. My little bubba, who usually digs all things Egyptian, just wasn’t into the exhibit or the historical data filling our ears from the audio tour. My older dude, on the other hand, totally dug it all. He made my husband listen to every piece of info and look at every single display. My bubba dragged me through the exhibit quickly and I missed so much. In hindsight, we should have traded kids – but I had lost sight of my other two and thought they had gone ahead. *sigh* It was not what I had wanted, but it was fine. I still got to see a lot. We walked all around the Seattle Center, saw the very cool looking EMP museum (music project – too bad we didn’t have time to go there!), checked out the International Fountain (water done to music! Like at the Bellagio in Vegas), had lunch, and then collapsed in our hotel room for a couple hours to build up our strength again.
EMPEMPLittle Bubba, the sun & the International Fountain
Later that evening we took the monorail from the Pacific Science Center to the downtown area and ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. Cliché, I know, but my husband is a music groupie and he really wanted to see all the stuff they had on display. The food was really good too, and it was loud enough that I didn’t have to worry about my boys making a ruckus. (Not like that’s ever happened. No, never.)
Day 2 – Hit the monorail again and met up with some wonderful cousins, and their baby, down at Pike’s Place Market. How cool is that place? So fun. I wish we had been able to explore it more – but with two kids and the bustle of the market it was a little hectic. I was happy to (oddly) take the elevator down many floors to then walk to the aquarium along the waterfront. The aquarium was super cool. So fun to see all the sea animals and the boys had a blast. Then we took the ferry to Bainbridge Island, walked around, had lunch, and ferried back. That place is so cute, so neat. I would totally live there. But it’s an island so the whole driving your car on a boat to get to your island thing just seems weird. What do you mean I can’t drive to the mainland any time I want? So weird.
The boys on the ferry. So fun.Sensory break on Bainbridge Island
Then we went to another cousin’s house for a dinner and birthday party and lots of socializing. So fun. We were so very exhausted at that point, though, I don’t think we were our best selves. The boys surprisingly held it together rather well. I was shocked. Oh – we were served squash enchiladas and I seriously need to get the recipe. So yum!
Day 3 – one last touristy thing, and something we had been wavering on: The Space Needle. It’s around $50 for 4 of us to go to the top. Was it going to be worth it? Really? That $50 could be spent better elsewhere – like what about the big ferris wheel thing (like the London Eye)? But the kids were adamant. They wanted to go to the top of The Space Needle. Okay, okay, we said, we’ll remember this always. The view at the top was spectacular. It was a beautiful, crisp, clear day and we could see so much; in that case, it was worth it. But 5 minutes my oldest said, “Mom, you were right – this is boring. Can we go down now?” I do think it was worth it though – just for the memory.
The Space Needle. Duh.Us.My dudes
Then we hopped in the car and headed to Tacoma! We met some wonderful friends for lunch – friends from Boise who had just moved to Tacoma a couple months prior – so it was super awesome to see them again. Then we hopped in the car and headed to Portland.
Gorgeous PNW sunset
Though I had planned this trip many, many months in advance it just happened to work out that my niece, who lived in Portland, ended up having a baby in October. So – perfect timing for me to see her, the new baby, and her husband and 2 other kids, before they moved to Cali the following week. We got to Portland around 6 pm, checked into our hotel in downtown Vancouver, WA, and then went to meet my sister in law & her two sons at Big Al’s for food and fun. I had never been to Big Al’s (though we have a new one near our home) but it was fun – loud, crazy and a bit hectic, especially for my Autie boy who had already endured quite a lot of change in a short span of time. Went back to my sis-in-law’s house, did some laundry, hung out. Good times.
Outside our hotel in downtown Vancouver, WASiblings
Day 4 – had planned to go to church in Vancouver, WA, but found we were too exhausted to move. Slept in and didn’t get to breakfast until nearly noon. Came back to the hotel and actually napped for a bit. (Hubby & I did and the boys just played quietly with electronics, of course). Then my sis-in-law picked us up and we met my niece & family, and my other niece, at a huge playplace for kids. (Because 4 busy kids need something to do on rainy Sunday afternoons). We had pizza, visited, and I held my newest grand-niece for hours.
Day 5 – Going home day. But still fun to be had. My sis-in-law picked me up and we went to my niece’s aesthetician school for facials. So fun. Such pampering. Loved it! Hurried back to the hotel, said goodbye to sis-in-law, grabbed the boys and jumped in the car. We were racing to make it to The Dalles, an oddly named town in Oregon, to meet my wonderful Aunt & Uncle who live in the middle of nowhere, WA, and were driving into The Dalles to meet us. I was also frantically checking the weather reports because it looked like we would be driving into a snowstorm on the way home. We had a lovely lunch and catch-up at Spooky’s, then drove off to buy some chains for the car (just in case) and headed down the road.
The mists of Oregon.
Just past Pendleton, OR, we started to hit snow and it didn’t let up for nearly the 3-4 more hours it took to get home. I white-knuckled it in the passenger seat while the hubby drove, thankfully. I’m not a fan of driving in snow. Home, safe and exhausted, right around midnight. Amen.
My bubba was originally supposed to go to school the next day, and myself to work, but I could hardly rouse him the next morning so I let him sleep. Turns out he was getting sick, as was made apparent to us that evening when he started vomiting everywhere. Thus began a 10 day trial where all 4 of us endured the same ailment at different times. Thankfully ending just in time for Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving I was so very thankful for my happy and healthy little family, for the trip we had together and the memories we had made. I’ll never forget the good from this trip, but I’ve already forgotten the exhaustion, the meltdowns, and the travel disorientation. Thank goodness for good memories.
Last week I was working from home for a couple days while my husband was with the little dude at Cub Scout day camp. (Which was a bit disastrous, but that’s another post). I hung out will my 10 year old for two days and it was so fun to have one on one time with him.
As I was “working” on my laptop in the living room, I turned on an episode of House Hunters. My buddy settled down to watch the episode with me and he was surprised when the couple on the show were gay. Specifically, he was confused by the term “partner” that they used to refer to each other and asked if that meant they were business partners. I explained, no, that meant they were life partners. He asked if that meant they were married. I said, well, maybe – but I’m not sure if marriage is legal in that state. So we looked it up online and found out which states allowed gay marriage, which didn’t, and which allowed some other version like a civil union. As you may expect, that segued us into a very interesting conversation on politics and morality. Um, teachable moment? Yes!
I essentially gave him a crash course in politics, Democrats & Republicans (with a passing nod to other parties), and a high-level overview of hot-button issues. I’m sure he only understood a fraction of what I said, but I hope what stuck with him was my emphasis on the need to learn the issues individually. As he gets older I want to him to think, research, and make decisions on the issues according to what seems right to him. He doesn’t have to follow what his dad and I think; he needs to form those ideals on his own, based on his fact-finding, perception and experience.
I want to provide the best moral guidance I possibly can for my boys so they aren’t caught up in simply what they are told they should believe – either by the media, their friends, or other influential adults. I want their world view to be as all-encompassing as possible. I want them to understand that life isn’t fair, but to also understand they can try to BE FAIR to others. That love, compassion, and kindness is so very necessary and though it’s so often lacking anymore they don’t have to follow that trend. I want my children to help make the world a better place and not contribute to the overall lessening of our moral compass, our collective intellect, and our soul as a country and as a collective world. I want them to understand that we are all responsible for each other.
(I realize “moral compass” can be seen as a bit of a priggish term (a bit stick-up-the-butt, so to speak). I don’t mean it that way; to me, moral compass is knowing right from wrong, good from bad, but also having the ability to understand nuances and extenuating circumstances and intentions behind the actions. To be able to see the big picture – how we all work and interact together, how one action can lead to another, and act accordingly in a way that best protects and nurtures the world and her people).
When I read an article online I typically will scroll down and read the comments. I don’t know why I even do this anymore; I am constantly appalled at the vitriol that come from people’s fingers on the interwebs when there’s no social consequence to their words. People spew hate and venom with little regard to the people their words may affect. I’m sure they think their words don’t make a difference. I can tell you, just scrolling down that list and seeing all the unadulterated bile in post after post certainly affects me.
It makes me wonder what happened. What happened to our collective heart? Are we so very polarized that we can’t imagine that public figures (politicians or otherwise) are people, like you and me, and that they are working and doing the best they can according to their beliefs? There has got to be a way for us to work together, regardless of our beliefs and how they dovetail, in order to protect our world. If people don’t start working together, being sensible to what needs to be done, then I have grave fears about where we will be in 10 years. Or even 5.
For my part, I will teach my kids that it’s not just tolerance that is needed. We need a deeper level of understanding. A deeper level of worldly consciousness. We need to be more selfless. Less motivated by the outcome and more motivated by the journey. I’ll try to teach them to look to the future and worry less about instant gratification. That’s a hard one, I’ll admit, even for me. We are so dialed into our here and now that it’s hard to think of 30, 40, 100 years down the road.
There’s no easy answer here. No quick fix, or easy way to undo all the pain out there. Making my kids *good* people won’t fix it all – I know that. All I know is I will do my best. Like my little Cub Scout. He doesn’t know, or care, what the Cub Scouts stand for, what they believe, or what their controversies have been. He only knows that he needs to do his best.
That’s not the same as having nothing good to say, you understand. If I had nothing good to say I would say nothing at all. Or, as Olympia Dukakis once said, if I had nothing good to say then I would go sit by her. (If you were born after 1990 then Google it. And stop using the term “yolo”).
I have nothing important to say. I can’t do justice to it all, you see.
First, though, my apologies for the delay in posting. I suck. Things have been busy and that’s my only excuse. We’ve gone through baseball season, I’ve had clients visit from Brazil, my kids have both finished their school year, my husband has been working various unusual jobs, and what else?? There have been school awards and school picnics, Father’s Day, 4th of July, end of quarter at work, the boys went on a mini-vacation with their grandparents and I got in a fender-bender. Rear-ended in the car we’re trying to sell, of course. Such is life.
Oh, and Magic Mike happened. Hellllloooo Channing Tatum.
You’re welcome.
So amid all this moderately controlled chaos there’s been other things – other things that put this routine disarray into perspective. Friends and relatives have lost friends and relatives. Children fighting cancer have lost their brave battles. High school friends have wept and agonized and hurt beyond measure over their dear son’s hospital bed wondering what if? What if? What if the accident had been a little different? What if he hadn’t been found so quickly? What if we had to wake up without him in the world?
Life has a way of helping us see the world more clearly. When we get into our own heads too much, when we can’t see beyond the pain or confusion within our own arm’s length, we get cosmically (or karmically?) pounded on the head until we see reason. Until we see and understand the world as a whole again, and understand our place in it.
We will have pain. We will have loss. We will have challenges. We will gain insight and perspective and a greater appreciation for every beautiful thing from every challenge we get through.
So, you see, I have nothing to say. The world is too beautiful for me to dwell on my own moderate injustices. My time is better spent being thankful for my myriad of blessings:
I didn’t think a lot had happened since I posted last time but then I went back and reviewed my Instagram pics and was like holy shitsnacks, Batman!
Kids and soccer and baseball.
Sickness.
Babies being born.
Grandpa dying.
Yard blooming.
Sunglasses.
Brotherly stuff.
School ending.
Funeral.
Car sales.
Mama ducks.
So here’s just some of what’s been going on and I’ll keep my blathering to a minimum.
Soccer wrapped up (thankyouverymuch!) and we survived, somehow.
That’s my baby, second from the right.
Big baby. (And as soon as I saw this pic we drove straight to the salon for 2 boy haircuts. Wowza.)
My yard started blooming. I love my house this time of year more than any other.
Peony. I only got 3 this year. Sadness.
Yellow Rose of Tex . . . , er, Idaho.
I love taking pics of sunsets. Or sunrises (but I’m not usually awake that early now). Or Sunbursts. Or the sky in general.
It’s like a blank canvas every day and the sun and the clouds are the artists.
I think I have a problem. I should get a bumper sticker that says, “I brake for sunsets.”
Baseball started for my oldest .
We’re Dodgers this year. Also? Sunburst.
And here’s a few other random pics because I just can’t get into the bigger stuff right now. Yet. But I will.
My little dude got to help his Papa steer the golf cart after the battery died. Shhh – don’t tell the other grandkids. It’s Papa’s rule that the kids can’t drive it until they are 13.
Even 10 year olds need Daddy cuddles sometimes.
Mama got a new pair of shades. Oh yeah, baby.
I hope your Spring and Early Summer are fun, beautiful and full of happiness.
That’s my little dude, my little Bubba. He’s one of the coolest kids I know. And his smiles are almost always genuine.
My little Bubba loves music. In the car when we flip through the stations we have to pause long enough for him to assess the music and he will either say “Cool” or “Next.”
We frequently have dance parties in our living room and, the other day, after listening to a bunch of “cool” songs I put on Bruce Springsteen’s Rosalita (cool, in my book) and Bubba threw a fit! “No, that song is NOT cool. That’s OLD school. I want NEW school!” Hee hee.
These are two things that instantly make my life exponentially better.
Nothing but fun this week!
We started the week off with this one’s 10th birthday:
That kid’s face kills me. I just love being his mother.
And, of course, we had a 10th birthday bash, complete with a bounce house:
Fun was had by all.
Then it was time for some mom & daughter bonding time over mani/pedis:
And I noticed my peonies are getting ready to bloom:
I made the most scrumptious lemon bars ever:
And I may have drank a little red wine:
And watched a little soccer (or a lot of soccer):
Unfortunately only from the car on Thursday because I developed an awful cold & cough mid-week and couldn’t be out there on the field like I normally am at my little guy’s practices.
My folks are going to head home in a day or two and I will reluctantly resume my chaotic life as usual. Sad they are gone but thankful they came at all.
Oh, and they introduced us to a fun dice game called LCR, Left Center Right. I think this would make an awesome drinking game:
That’s my week so far in Instagram. Part 2 may be following shortly!
This is my cousin and me before life got complicated.
I’m the brunette and she’s the blond – and, thus, the matching color-hued dolls.
It was always such.
We often wore matching outfits. Our mothers, sisters, shopped together.
Relatives would often give us the same gift but just slightly different – different color, scent or style. To the point where we had to coordinate gift opening on Christmas to prevent either of us from ruining the surprise for the other.
She is 4 months and 4 days older than me. Her daughter is 4 months and 27 days older than my son. You would think we coordinated that but it actually happened quite naturally.
A cousin is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost.
Yes. I love my cousins, my special, special friends.
Wise Sass 