Wise Sass

Posted on June 6, 2014June 6, 2014 by Wise Sass

This ain’t your mama’s broken heart

Oh my lord, I wish I had been familiar with this song earlier in my own grieving process. But, still, some of the sentiments hit pretty close to home! Luckily my crazy is pretty well contained in my head, other than the odd messaging impulse now and then, and thankfully my crazy has absolutely nothing to do with matches.

“Mama’s Broken Heart”

I cut my bangs with some rusty kitchen scissors
I screamed his name ‘til the neighbors called the cops
I numbed the pain at the expense of my liver
Don’t know what I did next, all I know I couldn’t stop

Word got around to the barflies and the baptists
My mama’s phone started ringin’ off the hook
I can hear her now sayin’ she ain’t gonna have it
Don’t matter how you feel, it only matters how you look

Go and fix your make up, girl, it’s just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart

Wish I could be just a little less dramatic
Like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames
Leave it to me to be holdin’ the matches
When the fire trucks show up and there’s nobody else to blame

Can’t get revenge and keep a spotless reputation
Sometimes revenge is a choice you gotta make
My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face

Powder your nose, paint your toes
Line your lips and keep ’em closed
Cross your legs, dot your eyes
And never let ’em see you cry

Go and fix your make up, well it’s just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart

In craziness,

Stef

Posted on June 2, 2014June 3, 2014 by Wise Sass

The passage of time

Tracking dates is sometimes very important to me and I’ve been wondering why. Is it because it helps with my obsessiveness? Because I can then say it’s been 1 year since such & such happened?

And what’s the significance of a year anyway? Just because it’s been the time it takes for the sun to complete its orbit should have no significant impact on the activity in my life or reflect my feelings at all.

But it does. Suddenly when you say it’s been a year then that designation carries more weight. Conceptually, the thought process is that the further distance you get from a hard event the easier you’ll feel about it. But it just gives further fodder to my tendency to obsess over those precious, catalytic events in my life.

In reality, I wish I could just move the eff on already. I don’t like being obsessive. I don’t like holding on to all this life-sucking emotion.

But still, I sit here and say – a year ago today this happened and I felt like this and how did that year get me here? And could I have imagined that? What should I have done differently?

Over-analyze. Obsess.

Hindsight = clarity, sometimes acute humiliation and recognition of the forest when, during the event, you can only see the trees.

I started my first job on March 5 many, many moons ago.

I my heart broken for the first time on September 18. Same year.

I moved out of state Nov 15, 1997 for the first time.

I made a decision that altered the course of my life forever on September 25, 1999.

I was 6 weeks pregnant with my first son on September 11, 2001.

In 4 days it will be 16 months since my beloved Grammy passed away.

On July 14, 2014, I will have been married 14 years.

It was around this time a year ago that I altered the course of my life again.

I don’t take these events lightly. They impacted me significantly and contributed to who I am today.

Dates and the passage of time define our activities, our events, our milestones. But they don’t actually reflect the heart, do they?

Time is not a barometer of emotion. It’s simply the measurement of how long I’ve been happy/sad/hopeful/miserable. It’s the ruler to know how long it’s been, my penance, my joy, my pain. An instrument of reflection.

Maybe it’s time to move on. Time to stop the obsessing. Time to recognize and appreciate these events for what they really are: life experiences!

Move on? Move forward.

With love,
Stef

Posted on May 28, 2014May 28, 2014 by Wise Sass

Soul Talking

Maya Angelou speaks to my soul. I have to confess, I haven’t read a lot of her stuff. I will be fixing that straightaway, though, because every little thing she wrote or said, that I have a read, speaks to the very heart and soul within me. I read her words and, “Yes! Yes! So much yes!” screams from my head.

Maya Angelou, thank you for putting words to the stories of my (our) hearts. I have felt all of these things and I have felt them fully.

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Loving someone liberates the lover as well as the beloved. And that kind of love comes with age.

I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold—that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.

As always, with love –

Stef

Posted on May 28, 2014May 30, 2014 by Wise Sass · 2 Comments

Pain? Try prison

Her coffee is getting cold,
as she waits for him to miss her.
While his cigarettes are running one after another, trying to forget her.

It’s after midnight here, my lovelies, my sweets.

It’s after midnight and my eyelids are heavy and my body is drooping, but my tummy is rumbling with unease – just enough to keep me awake past the witching hour. An hour that hurts, because it takes me through another painful day.

Oh, you wouldn’t see it anymore; it’s all cleverly hidden. And, of course, I’m busy. So busy. I may not think about it for a hours altogether … and then I look at the clock and I think oh man, it’s too late. Or too early. And the pain is there.

A prison of my own making. Locked inside and I can’t find my way out. It consumes me, day and night; an obsession I can’t walk away from. Whenever I try it comes trickling back, enveloping me like great grey foggy arms, pulling me in until I give up. Submission.

Myself the warden, guard & gate. Pain.

And I’m so angry with myself.

-Stef

P.S. Challenge: The title of this blog post is a quote from an 80’s movie. Name that movie & the actor who said it – without using the internet.

Posted on May 19, 2014May 19, 2014 by Wise Sass · 2 Comments

Bad days

You ever have those days that are perfectly lovely and parts are even beautiful, but emotionally your heart is a little wretched?

I know in my heart of hearts that there will be joy, love & happiness again. I know it because I do experience it regularly from the wonderful people around me. I just wish I could shake this feeling of malaise. This undercurrent of sadness ebbs & flows, higher & lower. But when high I feel like I could drown.

I feel unloveable.
I feel ridiculous.
I feel betrayed.
I feel broken.
I feel like a failure.

But, you see, I know that tomorrow will probably be better. I know that. Knowing that doesn’t help the present though.

I have a few loving people in my life that I am so grateful for, but I take them for granted. I don’t want to do that; it’s a self-preservation thing right now. There’s only so much I can handle, only so much heartache, only so much frustration and superfluous details that I can take into my brain right now.

This morning, though, something amazing happened. At my church, the hugely talented & wonderful pianist played “Hey Jude” and the congregation sang along and it was fabulous. It brightened my morning so much and I’m trying to think of that right now:

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don’t be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah

Hey Jude, don’t let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin
You’re waiting for someone to perform with
And don’t you know that it’s just you, hey Jude, you’ll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah yeah

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you’ll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh

Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude

So wonderful. Such a lovely, unifying moment. I’m trying to make my own sunshine in thinking about that moment, and others like it.

I will survive this with love, patience, kindness, faith, and, last but not least, good words & music. Amen.

With love & gratitude,
Stef

Posted on May 13, 2014 by Wise Sass

I get weak

Some of the things he writes make me weak and soppy and hopeful. No matter what, I don’t think I’ll ever stop being a romantic.

I think this is from Moulin Rouge, but I didn’t realize it until I was trying to attribute the quote that was in my mind and looked it up:

The greatest thing you’ll learn is to love and be loved in return.

With love,
Stef

Posted on May 12, 2014May 12, 2014 by Wise Sass

Defying Gravity

Do you remember Ally McBeal? I’m totally aging myself but, hey, who cares? I used to love, love, love Ally McBeal. My best friend and I lived a couple states apart and we would call each other during the commercials to talk about the show – silly? Yes. A fabulous memory? Oh yes. But that’s not the point of this blog post. (But I should get back to that, at some point).

Ally used to have theme songs. Depending on what was going on in her life, she would adopt a song that she could mentally conjure up that would give her strength, or courage, or comfort, right when she needed it.

Well, I’ve been doing the same thing. Blessings on Ally for the inspiration. Last fall it was David Guetta’s Titanium, with lyrics like:

“I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium”

It was exactly what I needed to get through some excruciatingly hard months.

Over the last several weeks I’ve recognized that I’m transitioning into another phase in my life and/or another phase in the life cycle of my heartbreak. I’ve been mulling that over and trying to understand what I want/need right now. What’s next?

Then I went to see Wicked (again, because, duh, it’s so awesome) and words were put in my head that have been resonating with me continuously for a couple weeks now. I’ve realized my new theme song, the song that defines this next stage is, has to be, Defying Gravity: (edited for brevity & relevance)

“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down

I’m through accepting limits
’cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
“Ev’ryone deserves the chance to fly!”
And if I’m flying solo
At least I’m flying free
To those who’d ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I’m flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I’ll match them in renown!
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!”

I don’t always feel strong, but in those times of weakness I just need to be Idina Menzel in my head and belt out this song. I’ll remember then just how strong I am! And when I’m sad this song will cheer me because it’s an anthem to make me believe what my heart & my head knows, but forgets, that I can do anything I put my mind to, and I can live the life I want. I CAN do it.

With love,
yours in insomnia,

Stef

Posted on April 30, 2014April 30, 2014 by Wise Sass

This is everything

With love,
Stef

Posted on April 7, 2014April 24, 2014 by Wise Sass · 1 Comment

On Writing Blood

Hemingway. HEMINGWAY. A man of unfettered passion. He lived his life fully, he wrote from his vast experiences; he dominated his life.

I was having a conversation with a friend last night about the poetry I write. I generally don’t share it because it is often intensely personal. I write it when I’m feeling strongly. I write it from experience or longing. I write it when I HAVE TO GET IT OUT.

Hemingway has a quote, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” To which I say YES. YES.

I write from my heart. It’s not going to always make sense to somebody else. Sometimes it barely makes sense to me – these mutterings that sometimes only resemble coherent sentences – but they are the words that cascade from my heart, tripping through my brain and down through my finger tips.

I want to live my life and feel every moment and then I want to write about it. Fully. I don’t want to apologize for the things I felt. I don’t want to hide what I felt and not be honest. I want to say this is what I did and, dammit, this is how it felt! And I’d do it again. Or I wouldn’t, because it hurt too damn much, but at least I felt something. I didn’t hide away and forget to live my life. I want to love and be loved. I want to feel and experience and when I’m 90 I want to say, boy, I can’t believe I did that but it sure was fun!

I’m so practical. I’m so inhibited, most of the time. But I’m also such a romantic and I can be very creative – but I bury it. Because.

Because . . . why? I’m scared. Of doing the wrong thing. Of hurting others. I’m scared of judgement & condemnation.

I want to live without apology. Without guilt. Without worry. I want to LIVE. Why should I apologize for wanting to make the most of my life? To celebrate life? To love, to dance, to kiss. To have Wednesday afternoon dance parties with my sons. To have midnight walks with friends. To have adventures. Why should I apologize for that?

Hemingway. I want to be Hemingway.

With love,

Stef

Posted on March 23, 2014 by Wise Sass

Recent Inspirations, part deux

Hello my lovelies!! Happy Sunday! Happy Spring Break! Happy vacation!

I’m feeling a little giddy because I have the next week off and I’m looking forward to fun, fun, fun with my little men.

I’ve had a lovely weekend and, honestly, I’m feeling much stronger than I have recently. I’m so thankful for the support I get from friends in both small & large ways; you never know what a difference a quick text, FB message, blog comment or a hug can do. Just having that support, YOUR support, makes all the difference!!

Here are a few awesome things I’ve seen recently that I loved:

I hope these nuggets of wisdom help you like they have me. It may seem small, and even silly, but the reminders are so helpful to me.

Be kind to one another. We need more kindness and less pain & misunderstandings. I wake up everyday with good intentions and the desire to give & get love in return. I hope most of us wake up and say, “what good thing can I do today?”

Love,
Stef

Wise Sass

Author: Wise Sass

I like wine, chocolate & cheese (not necessarily in that order). I write about my life as a full-time working mom and just how, exactly, to be super woman. (I’ll let you know when I get that one figured out – should be happening any minute now).

This ain’t your mama’s broken heart

The passage of time

Soul Talking

Pain? Try prison

Bad days

I get weak

Defying Gravity

This is everything

On Writing Blood

Recent Inspirations, part deux