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You ever have those days that are perfectly lovely and parts are even beautiful, but emotionally your heart is a little wretched?

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I know in my heart of hearts that there will be joy, love & happiness again. I know it because I do experience it regularly from the wonderful people around me. I just wish I could shake this feeling of malaise. This undercurrent of sadness ebbs & flows, higher & lower. But when high I feel like I could drown.

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I feel unloveable.
I feel ridiculous.
I feel betrayed.
I feel broken.
I feel like a failure.

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But, you see, I know that tomorrow will probably be better. I know that. Knowing that doesn’t help the present though.

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I have a few loving people in my life that I am so grateful for, but I take them for granted. I don’t want to do that; it’s a self-preservation thing right now. There’s only so much I can handle, only so much heartache, only so much frustration and superfluous details that I can take into my brain right now.

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This morning, though, something amazing happened. At my church, the hugely talented & wonderful pianist played “Hey Jude” and the congregation sang along and it was fabulous. It brightened my morning so much and I’m trying to think of that right now:

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don’t be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah

Hey Jude, don’t let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin
You’re waiting for someone to perform with
And don’t you know that it’s just you, hey Jude, you’ll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah yeah

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you’ll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh

Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude

So wonderful. Such a lovely, unifying moment. I’m trying to make my own sunshine in thinking about that moment, and others like it.

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I will survive this with love, patience, kindness, faith, and, last but not least, good words & music. Amen.

With love & gratitude,
Stef

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2 thoughts on “Bad days

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through such a bad time, but so glad you have a place to put it into words. It’s tough knowing one thing in your head but not feeling it in your heart. Keep noticing all the little moments — they’ll add up to goodness soon enough.
    Wishing you brighter days.

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