Once upon a time there was a man who just knew and a woman who was too damaged to understand the truth.

A sweet man decided I was special last summer. He came in like a wrecking ball, to quote Miley, and turned the world I had built upside down. He proved me wrong on every negative assumption I erroneously attributed to him (due to nearly every other man who came before him). He looked at me with magic shining out of his eyes.

July 2018

I felt like I was unworthy of such a good, honest, loving man. I broke up with him.

Seven weeks later he texted me on my birthday. He had waited seven weeks for an excuse to text me. He waited. On purpose.

So we decided to go watch football together.

Fresno @ Boise
Fly Eagles Fly forever

And slowly, without pressure or scary titles or words of commitment, I learned to open my heart again. I learned that maybe, just maybe, I am actually lovable.

Dec 2018 – going to see White Christmas!

A couple years ago I published this dream list of what I wanted in a man. Let’s review, shall we?

He will:

  • When first meeting me, he will approach me with respect. He will feel compelled to meet me.
  • He will ask for my number. He will try to learn about me. He will be interested in the words that come from my mouth.
  • He will call or text when he says he’s going to. And before we sign off talking he will tell me when next I’ll hear from him. He’ll take the lead.
  • He’ll tell me about his life. He’ll want me to know all the things that make him who he is.
  • He will be kind, compassionate, empathetic, smart, creative, thoughtful, loving, funny and generally a pretty happy and content person. A positive person.
  • When he asks me on a date, he’ll plan it or at least give me options. He’ll take my comfort & safety into account. If he brings me flowers I guarantee to be impressed and happy.
  • He’ll try to open my doors for me and he will good-naturedly roll with it when I open my own doors because I’m an independent woman, dammit. But he will keep trying. I secretly love that.
  • If we walk down the street he’ll make sure he’s closer to the curb. If I’m wearing heels he’ll offer his arm.
  • He’ll ask me when he can see me again before we even end the first date, and he’ll text me good night when he gets home.
  • When he meets my sons, which he will want to do, he’ll be inclined to love them because they’re mine, and because they’re wonderful.
  • He’ll love Friday night family movie nights, with pizza & popcorn.
  • He’ll call me on Saturdays at 8 AM and say get dressed, let’s go to breakfast & the Saturday market. Or get the boys and let’s go on an adventure! Let’s go find a hot spring!
  • Or on a Saturday night, let’s go find a great spot in the country to look at stars, listen to music & kiss.
  • And he’ll want to walk with me in public, and hold my hand, and be proud to call me his partner.
  • And when I’m upset or sad or mad, he’ll tell me everything will be alright and we’ll get through this together. He’ll understand my mad is usually frustration. My sad is usually unresolved pain. My upset is usually a hurt. He’ll want to mend me because he doesn’t like seeing my frustration, pain or hurt.
  • He will be independent, strong, capable, and he will be good with fixing things because I think people who fix things don’t throw away value.

He is all that and a bag of chips too! (Except maybe that last one as he’s not really the fix-it type! Though he’d fight tooth & nail for me). Every other particular is, hands down, the truth about my love.

Valentine’s Day 2019

And it IS love. But let’s not be hasty. Let’s just have fun. I like my life. I’ve worked hard for it.

Headed to Vegas, baby! Jan 2019

So let’s go to Vegas and London and a white beach, and a cabin in the snow, and a hot spring or two, or let’s just go to the movies or that yummy new restaurant. Or let’s put on flannel jammie pants and Netflix & chill the whole damn weekend. I’m so there for all of it.

Vegas! Jan 2019

What does it mean? I have no idea, and I don’t have to. Magic is in his eyes when he looks at me and I just want to hold his hand everyday.

Yours in optimism,

Stef

2 thoughts on “Sometimes I’m an Idiot

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