Wise Sass

It’s literally been years since I’ve written anything here. LIFE HAS BEEN HAPPENING! And it’s been good. Mostly good. Today I’ll focus on my marriage. (MARRIAGE?!?!) But I think I’ll come back and write a few more things. There’s a lot to tell. There’s musings I have that haven’t had an outlet. There’s changes I wouldn’t mind sharing.

But, first, let’s go back a bit. How did we get here?

It’s been almost 11 years since I told my (first) husband I wanted to separate. I was deeply unhappy. I was resentful, angry, and I felt abused. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do; I had sworn a vow to my husband to love and cherish him in sickness and in health and here I was saying no, nuh-uh, no more.

But he swore to those vows too. How much anguish, anger, resentment, and bitterness one can endure is subjective, but I can assure you that I wasn’t being loved & cherished in the slightest. I felt like I was the paycheck and the cook and the nanny and the part-time housekeeper; I was everybody’s mother but I was no longer a wife.

So then I took a big leap of faith and I set all 4 of us on a better, happier path of success.

Spoiler alert: it worked. We are, all 4 of us, happier, more supported, more independent, and more content. Through pain comes healing and then there is GOOD at the end.

But, at that time, I was damn sure I’d never get married again.

I would live alone and raise my sons to be good men and I would maybe date, on my terms, and I would maybe have sex, on my terms, and I would put order in my life. This is what I wanted. Independence, ownership over my financial future, and autonomy.

We proceeded in our leisurely way towards divorce, finalizing it 2 years after we separated.

I got my finances in order. I sold our house and moved into something a bit easier for us to live in; less maintenance, easier financial terms, easier living. I raised my young men to be adult(ish) men. I pursued my dreams. I traveled more. I felt financial security for the first time in my adult life. I became even more the person I am, and was, and should be.

But for the last 5+ years, I didn’t do it alone.

In 2018 I met Todd. I definitely thought he wasn’t for me. I broke up with him. But he stayed in my mind and when he reached out 7 weeks later I said, “let’s be friends.” Then I said, “let’s be lovers.” And then I fell in love.

The pandemic hit in 2020. Insane to think that was 4 years ago. When the pandemic hit we all stayed home, but Todd was an essential worker. He came to stay with us on the weekends. Good or bad, that’s what we did, and he never got Covid. (my oldest, Cameron, and I did, later, in 2021 and 2022 respectively, but that’s a different story). We decided to buy a house we could all live in comfortably, that was close to the freeway for his commute, and a bit closer to my Cameron’s college campus. Pandemic house shopping & selling was a kick. Cameron graduating from high school and starting college (living on campus) in the most surreal situation. Astonishing highs & lows in the Covid years.

We bought a house. We started planning a wedding. In a pandemic. We started blending our families. We bought a hot tub. I got a new car. We went to Paris & London, Vegas, California, Hilton Head Island/North & South Carolina, and Philly. We made plans. We are still making plans! Still planning trips. Still planning our future. We painted our house. We bought furniture together. We lost my stepmom. We planned her funeral and moved my dad into a retirement home. We are each other’s best friend, best partner, best confidante, best lover, best sleep partner, best support, best back scratcher, best sounding board, best navigator, best cheerleader, best sous chef, best of everything.

I didn’t think it was possible. This kind of partnership. This kind of unconditional love, where there are only expectations of good intentions and not of work, or some sort of expected output. Where love and grace are at the center of every communication. Where the misunderstandings or bad communications are minimal, and the joy, companionship, comfort, and love are 99.8% of every interaction. I knew this existed in theory, but not in actuality. The reality is far better than I knew it could be.

But I’m still free to be me. I have autonomy. I have control over my time and my body and my decisions and my finances. I struggle with it sometimes because I was conditioned in a bad way, that my time and choices were not my own. But Todd reminds me all the time that I am free to be me, and make my own decisions, and have my own hobbies and love things he doesn’t love. And so is he. It is so freeing.

It hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. We have our ups and downs, trials and tribulations, just like anyone. I’ve had health issues, but I’m working on it. I’m getting healthier. I think that’s a separate post. I’ll think about writing that one; it will be a hard one to write. But life is easier lived together. These challenges are easier with a loving partner. And that’s the biggest difference.

Thank goodness for Todd. I have never felt so loved, and I am astounded daily at how lucky I am.

Xoxo,

Stef