I’m due for a post regarding the holidays, our trip to California or my son’s 8th birthday. Or something else – like my Christmas tree falling over while my dad was house-sitting and breaking some of my favorite glass bulbs, or my dog vomiting the day we left, or my car needing new brakes on the trip. Or I’m way, way overdue in putting together a post on my kids, their medications and how frustrating medicating them is to me.

I’m overdue to share, or overshare, a lot of things but today I have one thing banging around inside of my head and I can’t let it go.

Relationships between women are TOUGH. Thank goodness men turn me on more than women because, honestly, mixing romantic love with the already complicated relationship women have together sounds like a nightmare.

A good female friend of mine hurt me a couple weeks ago. She didn’t hit me, or call me a bitch, or sleep with my husband. It was much less obvious than that, but felt like so much more to me.

She marginalized me. She made me feel like my time wasn’t valuable and my presence in her life was unnecessary. She didn’t say it, outright, but it was in lots of little actions. Unanswered invitations, changes in plans with no alternatives, and implied plans never materialized. Harsh words, in the end, rather than understanding.

I made exceptions. I said, “Oh, that’s just her. She’s dealing with something. She’s stressed. She’s dealing with a lot.” Then someone said, “Isn’t that what you always say? What about you?”

I didn’t know what to say. So I shut-up. I didn’t say anything else. To her, to my husband, to my mother – to anybody. I said I didn’t want to talk about it. And I didn’t. I didn’t want to think about it – though my mind wouldn’t stop churning against it.

What about me?

Again, AGAIN, I find myself putting her needs in front of my own. Making her wants more important than mine. AGAIN.

Wait. Stop. I’m not trying to bash her. I love her. I do.

I’m HURT. She makes me feel like I need to be “worthy” to be her friend. I find myself wondering if anybody feels that way about me? I hope not. I just want a friend.

When we’re good, and she’s content, then we’re great. She knows everything about me. Every secret. Every desire. Every heartbreak. She knows EVERYTHING.

So how could she be so dismissive? How could she let this opportunity go so easily? Why was she so rigid in everything she said or did? It was ME, for goodness sakes. Just me. Me. I invite you into every facet of my life and family and you give so little. Invite so little. Include me so very, very little.

So I pulled back. I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling. For almost two weeks I’ve refused to talk about it or think about it or write about it. Until today, and I don’t know that I’m expressing myself very effectively now either but I had to, today, because she put the final nail in the coffin.

I was working towards being able to reach out to her again. Getting ready to talk about what happened and try to bridge that gap.  Mentally, today, I was getting closer to dealing with this issue. Ready to bring it to the forefront of my mind and gnash my teeth with it and figure out why this particular hurt was so very hurtful.

Then, today, I noticed she unfriended me on Facebook. Childish behavior indeed, and designed to get a rise out of me. But that was it. Now I feel pushed around and manipulated and any guilt I felt for not reaching out before now has vanished. Vanished. I love her like a sister and she couldn’t even wait for me to work through this. She just had to push and push and push.

And I’m done.

If you love someone like family then you LOVE them. Every stinkin’ smelly difficult part of them. I love her and I wish her well but I cannot be manipulated. I cannot be a friend only when she desires me to be one. She cannot have all my friendship anymore because she doesn’t take good care of it. I’m done.

And that, my friends, is why relationships between women are TOUGH .

And why I will not be turning lesbian any time soon.

xoxo,

Stef

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5 thoughts on “Letting go

  1. Such a tough thing to talk about, I had a similar experience in high school. I”m sorry you had to go through that. Be thankful for those of us who won’t judge and stay super strong! ♥

  2. Awww.. I’m so sorry. Some people might say if she’s that quick to let go of you then she wasn’t worth it, but I know that’s hard to hear. I know what you mean about wondering if you’re “friend worthy”. I’m so sorry. ((hugs))

  3. Ha try being a guy with a woman! I’ve known her for years. Its not just you. Relationships are superficial for her and on her terms. I don’t know why she is the way she is but it is hurtful. A friendship with her will always be one-sided. You accept that as it is or let go. I forgive the behavior but don’t accept it. I will always be her friend but to keep my own dignity it will be if I am available and want to. Otherwise she will take and run.

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