In conjunction with my sisters post last night, here’s a family themed Flashback Friday:
From left to right, that’s my brother, my mom & dad, me holding my nephew, my sister holding my niece and my brother-in-law. I think this was when I was in 8th grade. I loved those white pants! They had zipper pockets just above the pleated front. Eeek. Go 80’s fashion.
This was back when our family was fairly normal. Or so I thought. My brother & sister were from my dad’s first marriage and I was from my mom’s first marriage – but then dad adopted me as a baby so he’s the only dad I know. Because I was a baby when this family “merged” it was a long time before I realized that we actually were a combined family.
I was only 7 when my sister got married so my brother-in-law has almost always been my brother-in-law, you know? (Except now they are divorced, after 27 years of marriage, and he’s set up housekeeping (antiquated terminology – love it) with my cousin on my mom’s side. That’s another story for another day. At least he’s still in the family.)
Bless him, the hubby let me sleep in. Then, when he was so hungry he couldn’t wait anymore, he crawled into bed with me and said he had already cooked the potatoes and could I please get my lazy arse out of bed and make him a scramble? Fine, fine!
I got up and staggered my bones to the kitchen and began cooking. In the same pan as the cut up and sauteed potatoes, I added diced ham, aromatics (onion & garlic), and let it all combine on medium low heat. Then whisked 5 eggs, a diced scallion, and salt & pepper in a separate bowl. I added the egg mixture in and stirred a few times to scramble all together. Then turned the burner off, put some cheese on top and put the lid on to let the cheese melt. It was YUM. Plus I had enough leftover to make 6 breakfast burritos for us next week. Total score.
We sat down to eat breakfast and decided to flip on the Netflix and watch the 1st episode of Doctor Who (since it was restarted in 2005). It’s been highly recommended from our friend, Britt. But I think the jury is still out with me and the hubs. We’ll have to watch a few more before we decide.
Then we started our day in earnest. I sent the kids to take out the recycling and play. Lo and behold they decided to do work:
Took out the recycling
Swept out the laundry room . . .
. . . and continued in the garage
The hubby continued working on my oldest’s invention for his Invention Convention – due this week at school:
the Pull & Dress – more on this later
Bob was doing his thing:
Russian Tortoise. Bob.
So I lit some candles:
A gift for Valentine’s Day from the hubby
and began snapping some pics of a few of my favorite things:
My fancy Jane Austen books – a gift many, many years ago
Willow Tree people – gifts from my family
My grandmother-in-law gave this egg cup to me from her collection. I love it dearly!
I’m thinking of making something now. Something a little sweet and possibly a little savory as well. Hmmm . . .
Okay, I’m going to attempt to put together a cohesive narrative from some of the thoughts that have been floating willy-nilly in my head since reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. I finished the book a few days ago and, as promised, I have started going back, re-reading, and highlighting those passages that particularly resonate with me.
That Elizabeth Gilbert chick knows what she’s doing. Out of the gate the first concept she writes about is something that likely resonates with all married women – did I make the right decision? And not just about marriage, but about everything. Do my expectations of love & marriage and my current reality gel with what I thought they would be? Once upon a time each one of us made a decision that altered our life path. In order to make a decision of that momentousness we also generally produce a set of expectations – the future effects of that decision.
But first there’s the decision. We are so overwhelmed with choices now that, as she writes, “many of us simply go limp from indecision.” I have certainly felt that way. Too many options. When I’m asking my hubby what he wants for dinner, or what kind of something he wants and I say you can have this, or this, or this, or this, or this – he interrupts with, “Too many options. Narrow it down for me.” Because confronted with so many options how can we possibly know which one of them will add to our lives – make us healthier, wealthier and wiser?
Once we do make a decision do we then run the risk of becoming “compulsive comparers?” As Liz says (because she and I are so tight now I call her Liz) compulsive comparers are “always measuring [their] lives against some other person’s life, secretly wondering if [they] should have taken [their] path instead.”
LIFE ENVY.
I’m guilty of it, as you read here. My blogging inspiration, and the object of my “life envy,” Joni, wrote that she was guilty of it as well here when she looks at the Pioneer Woman. If you are a woman who has never experienced life envy then I want to meet you because you’ll be the first (that I know of).
I’m going to re-create the following passage word for word because I think it’s huge:
All these choices and all this longing can create a weird kind of haunting in our lives – as though the ghosts of all our other, unchosen, possibilities linger forever in a shadow world around us, continuously asking, “Are you certain this is what you really wanted?”
Oh boy. That’s it. How do we look at our lives today and be content?
I’m 35. I’m married to a man who isn’t perfect but I love him anyway. I have a job that is far from perfect, and especially aggravating of late, but it’s my means for supporting my family. I have two children who are also imperfect – but they are MINE, and a part of me, and that’s the important part. I stand here today with this imperfect life and I could so easily wallow in despair for other choices I could have made – but there are no guarantees in life, you know? I could own a house on the hill, wear expensive jewelry, drive a sports car, etc, and still be absolutely miserable. You get out of life what you put into it.
Let me say that again: YOU GET OUT OF LIFE WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT.
If you are discontented and unhappy then you are likely going to get discontent and unhappiness in return. But if you take all your expectations and filter them through your present reality then you just might find you have exactly what you didn’t know you wanted.
I have a happy, loving home. I have a husband who strives to be the best he can be, who loves me, and who makes me laugh. I have two gorgeous and talented children who melt my heart every night when they choose to share my spot on the sofa with me rather than sit – anywhere – else (and we have a large sofa).
It’s all about perception – not perfection. All the other stuff – the bills, the grocery shopping, the late homework – that’s just the minor aggravations that life gives us to keep us humble.
Now, I’m going to close this missive so I can go enjoy a perfect evening with my imperfect family.
Getting to know you, Getting to know all about you. Getting to like you, Getting to hope you like me.
Okay, now that that ear worm is firmly embedded in your brain, let’s move on to the Q&A/getting to know you section of our blog today. (Ours, today, because I would like your participation. Yes, YOU).
I’m pretty sure only about 3 people are reading my blog but let’s play a game and find out. I’ll answer some questions (completely random and made up by yours truly) and you answer them back to me in a comment, okay?
Here we go:
Q. What’s that one song that, no matter what, always stays in your top 5 favorites?
A. I love music. I do. I’m not one to pro-actively go hunt down new music and what I listen to is far from esoteric. To me, it’s all about the emotion the music provokes; it could be because that’s the song I danced to in 8th grade at the Y dances while getting my heart broken by my first crush (Love Bites by Def Leppard), or something newer that tugs at the heart strings (almost anything by Adele). So – since 7th grade I have LOVED Just Like Heaven by The Cure. Even when I went through my country music phase.
Confession: I even thought Robert Smith was hot once upon a time.
Newsflash: he’s not.
Q. Think back to your life and identify a crossroads, a decision you made that altered the course of your life. If you had chosen the other path what would it have been?
A. The thing about crossroad-decisions is they are so impactful that it’s hard to separate the decision from the effects that followed. Often one path isn’t particularly better than the other – just different. For me, right around the time I got engaged to my husband I had been applying to a semester abroad program. I chose marriage, and then a job, and a family followed shortly after. If I went on the semester abroad program I likely would not have married my husband, I would not have my babies, and I would be in a very different place now. I have no idea if it would be better or not – I certainly would have had different experiences. But I also wouldn’t have these cheese-monsters so how in the world can I argue with that??
Q. What do you typically do on a Friday night?
A. Friday nights are usually family nights at our house. Tonight, however, the hubby is out with friends, the kids are in bed (now – after a long Plants vs. Zombies game they needed my help with. They *asked* for help. I swear.), and these are my companions:
Some people may think this is sad. I, on the other hand, can’t tell you how peaceful my house is right now or how nicely the wine is going down. Silence. Sip. Ahhh.
(In case you were worried that I ate the whole box of cookies I must tell you that I put the cookies away just after I took this picture. Scout’s honor. The wine I kept out just a teensy bit longer.)
Do I shirk my duties and dive into the blog thoughts swirling around in my head? I could literally write volumes right now if given the proper time and space to sit and think it all through.
Alas, that’s not even an option! Too much freakin’ work.
I got home from my trip very late on Friday night, or extremely early Saturday morning – depending on your point of view. I was delayed an extra 6 hours in the Denver airport after sprinting to my gate only to find out I missed my connection. Also, I DON’T SPRINT. I don’t even jog. Seriously. I think I almost died. But then I had to spend 6 more hours there and I truly knew what death was.
Oh.My.Goodness.Was.I.Bored.
Spotty internet connection and limited charging capabilities meant I couldn’t stay online or watch a movie to bide the time. I read some but I was completely distracted. Too many people hustling and bustling all over the place.
Saturday morning I woke up stiff and sore. I sort of decided then and there to take the rest of the weekend off. We celebrated the hubby’s 41 years young, I hung out with the boys and caught up on some of my Tivo’d stuff.
Back to the grind today and, wow, do I have a lot to do. Plus, at home, there’s so much kid STUFF to deal with – Invention Convention, dentist appointments, IEP appointments, Katie Beckett Applications, laundry, lunch money, etc. I feel like I might never come up for air.
When I do, indeed, come up for air then I hope to put together some great blog posts around what I’ve been reading. I’m absolutely loving Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed. I seriously want to take a highlighter and go back through and mark all the poignant passages. In fact, I think I may do just that.
If you are married you should read this book. If you are thinking about getting married you should read this book. If you are divorced you should read this book. If you at any point in your life plan to live in a committed relationship you should read this book. No lie.
The thing is – it’s all the stuff we learn after 10-15 years of marriage. It’s the distance and experience. The plain ‘ole knowledge we don’t have when we are all in L.O.V.E. and dying to get married RIGHT.THIS.MINUTE.
It’s the things our mothers (some of them) or our grandmothers (a lot of them) went through and thought about and dealt with without actually giving it a name. They just lived it. Sucked it up and dealt with it. It’s the angst wives go through – the sacrifices, challenges, juggling we all do and learn to deal with some way, some how. It’s all about finding that happy medium for us “modern” wives.
This is a sad post. I’m sorry. It’s where my head is right now.
Almost 2 years ago, on February 22, 2009, I came into work that Monday morning to bad news. I walked in through the back door, into our breakroom, and my co-worker said, “Hi, did you hear about Mike G.? He was killed yesterday.”
I stood there in shock. I still had my sunglasses on, bags in hand, jacket on. I had only just said hello. To be bombarded with that news as I walk in the door is very disconcerting. I don’t think my co-worker knew that Mike and I had become friends, as well as co-workers, or maybe he would have broken the news more gently. I hope he would have. I didn’t say anything and walked to my desk, sat down and opened my email. I had received an email from our VP in Washington DC telling us that Mike, a co-worker and friend in the DC office, had been hit by a car walking home from his girlfriend’s house early Saturday morning. Whoever hit him left him laying in the street to die. Before he died he sent an empty text message to a co-worker. Trying to get help, we assume.
Last year, 2010, February 21 was a Sunday. I had thought about Mike that day. Remembered it was a year from his death. I had wondered how his mom was doing. I wondered what happened to the guy who hit Mike. I had heard it was a delivery truck making morning deliveries to a shopping center and he hit Mike as he came barreling out of the parking lot. He confessed, I think. It was an accident. Of course he didn’t mean to do it and he panicked and drove away. I never heard what he was charged with.
That Sunday night we put the kids to bed and we were thinking about watching a movie. The phone rang and I looked at the caller ID and told the hubby that it was his mom and he answered it. We were in a happy mood. Then I heard him say “WHAT? WHAT?” in that voice. You know, that shock and disbelief voice. I immediately put down what I was doing and sat forward on the couch. I could tell something was wrong. He was listening to his mom. Finally he looked at me and whispered, “The Sheriff’s office is telling Liz that Adam is dead.” He got off the phone when his mother said that Liz was calling back on the other line. Liz is my husband’s sister and Adam was her husband of 15 years.
We waited. We cried. We waited and cried some more. After about an hour we called my husband’s brother and, from him, we got most of the full story. The rest would come out in the following days.
Adam was a Portland Police Officer. For the past several years he was a Criminalist, so he wasn’t on patrol – where he would be in the most danger. What a relief it was when he became a Criminalist.
Adam had worked that Sunday and was on his way home from work. He had spoken with Liz on the phone a few times. He stopped to pick up a pizza on his way home. He also stopped to rent a movie. He was within 1/4 mile of their home when the accident occurred. A garbage truck had stalled in a driveway and was rolling back into the road with no lights on. Adam slammed right into the back of the truck. They think he died instantly.
Liz tried calling him and heard his Bluetooth pick up. She heard two men talking, heard them say Adam’s name and date of birth. Liz, having been married to a cop, immediately knew that Adam was involved in something. She thought maybe he had inadvertently became involved in a crime as an off-duty police officer – a shooting, a burglary, etc. Then the Sheriff’s office came to her door with Adam’s wallet, cell phone, and badge.
Adam and Liz were married for 15 years and had two sons, ages 14 and 11 now. As we are approaching the anniversary of his death it is difficult to look back and remember those days. Though heartbreaking, those days were filled with love. My in-law’s and one brother-in-law flew to Portland early the next day. The rest of us drove over a few days later to be there for the funeral. Their house was filled with family and friends from morning till night. Flowers, food, prayers, etc. The outpouring of support was incredible.
The funeral was an unbelievable affair. Immeasurably touching. Graveside services with an honor guard and then a police escort to the church for a memorial service. The police escort was so impressive and touching. They stopped traffic on the Portland freeways for us to pass. We had about 6 police cars and motorcycle cops in our motorcade and the others were going ahead and stopping cars getting on the on-ramps and stopping cars on the freeway in anticipation of our route. I cried as a drove.
The police chief spoke at the funeral of Adam’s character, strength and dedication. That she knew he would lead the Criminalist department one day and, in practice if not in title, he did already. He was the exemplar for the team.
There’s audio of and pictures of the service here. Specifically the Police Chief’s address.
I’m astounded and in awe of my sister in law. She has been so strong, so smart, so faithful in her grief and support of her children. Her faith in God has given her so much comfort; in her heart, she knows that Adam has gone to Heaven and she will see him there someday. My in-laws were just as devastated; Adam was their other son. They are flying to my sister in law’s house today to be with her and the boys on the first anniversary of his passing.
My grief was and is profound for Liz and the boys. I have two sons; I couldn’t help but put myself in her shoes. How would I feel if this happened? My husband and I talked a lot about that in the days and weeks after Adam’s passing. What would we do if something happened to one of us? We keep Adam’s picture on our fridge as a daily reminder of what we can lose in an instant.
My mother in law & Adam. He loved her and she him.
February 21 sucks.
6 days later, on Feb 27, 2010, my husband’s cousin lost her 27 year old Marine husband as well.
The older I get the more I see that life is about the moments. I’m having one right now and I love it. I’m sitting in my darkened office looking out the window. It’s an overcast day but that suits me fine. I’m listening to Train, “Marry Me.” This has the same effect on me as listening to Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” I get all gooey and warm inside and revert back to that 16 year old girl waiting for the fabled Prince Charming on his white horse. This makes me think of a flurry of pop culture-ish quotes:
Charlotte from Sex & the City:
I’ve been dating since I was fifteen! I’m exhausted! Where is he?
Faith Hill, “This Kiss”:
All I wanted was a white knight with a good heart, soft touch, fast horse
I think, ladies, that those of us that have been married for more than a couple years know that there is no white knight to come in and save the day. Life isn’t about being rescued, and if you are depending on a man to save you, support you, and buy you bon-bons you are on a collision course with reality and will soon be landing smack on your face.
I don’t know what I expected marriage to be like when I got married at 25, but it wasn’t a white knight to make it all better. I expected a partnership and equal division of labor (being somewhat of a feminist, if you want to use that term) with a lot of love. (Picture: vacuuming and dusting together, gardening together, folding laundry – together). I was in love in a way I hadn’t been before. It was a powerful meeting of the minds (and other things) and it happened very, very fast. We finished each others thoughts. We were different enough that we complemented each other; we were alike enough that we often enjoyed the same things. When people ask, “how did you know” the answer was, and is, always, “We just knew.“
July 14, 2000
Next month is 12 years since we started dating. I’m still in love – but it has changed so much. We have grown together. We still love some of the same things and we both still have our own separate passions. I think I lost myself for awhile but for the past few years I’ve been fighting to get myself back. To remember again what *I* like – flavors, scents, music, things to do and read, etc. I lost myself from being a mom & wife, but as I get to know myself again I think that only makes our marriage stronger. He likes my strong & sassy side. (Sometimes more than others).
We still argue and bicker and get our feelings hurt. But I don’t think it’s like it used to be; we aren’t so self-righteous now. We’ve been through some things now and, for me at least, I see that nothing is ever black & white.
It’s all about the moments.
I took today off from work. This morning I pulled on a jacket and shoes over my PJ’s to drive my oldest to school while the hubby drove our youngest (they go to separate schools due to the Autism thing). I had just pulled into the garage and was turning my car off when my cell phone rang.
The hubby, “did you go straight home?”
Me, “yes, I’m in my PJ’s.”
Hubby, “I’m going to get you some Starbucks since, you know, it’s a special day. Do you want cold or hot?”
In honor of Valentine’s Day I’m sharing my guys with you. There’s only one who is really my honey, but the others all have their own places in my heart.
This is our good friend Britt, and the hubby. getting ready to enjoy a postprandial cigar. I made them a special Valentine’s dinner tonight – steak sandwiches, broccoli with cheese sauce, roasted garlic on bread with butter and beer. (I also gave them both an awesome Valentine’s gift so they should look extremely happy).
Feb 13, 2011
They are handsome, witty, smart-assed troublemakers who like to get together and smoke cigars and I love them dearly. (No, they don’t smoke in the house. They smoke those nasty things outside even when it’s 20 degrees). I’m married to the one on the right (and he’ll have his own post one of these days) but the one on the left has a special place in my heart too. He’s been part of our family for nearly 5 years now and I don’t know what we would do without him.
November 2006
He brings us gifts every time he comes over. He takes out the garbage, if it’s needed, splits wood, helps with dinner and, on occasion, he babysits. He lets my kids jump on him like he’s a trampoline for goodness sake. See?
Oh, by the way, ladies – he’s single.
Of course, my other two Valentine’s are my little guys. I heart them with every fiber of my being. I mean, how could I not? Just look at them! The two cutest cutie-pies in the world.
Wise Sass 