Maya Angelou speaks to my soul. I have to confess, I haven’t read a lot of her stuff. I will be fixing that straightaway, though, because every little thing she wrote or said, that I have a read, speaks to the very heart and soul within me. I read her words and, “Yes! Yes! So much yes!” screams from my head.
Maya Angelou, thank you for putting words to the stories of my (our) hearts. I have felt all of these things and I have felt them fully.
Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Loving someone liberates the lover as well as the beloved. And that kind of love comes with age.
I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold—that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.
Her coffee is getting cold,
as she waits for him to miss her.
While his cigarettes are running one after another, trying to forget her.
It’s after midnight here, my lovelies, my sweets.
It’s after midnight and my eyelids are heavy and my body is drooping, but my tummy is rumbling with unease – just enough to keep me awake past the witching hour. An hour that hurts, because it takes me through another painful day.
Oh, you wouldn’t see it anymore; it’s all cleverly hidden. And, of course, I’m busy. So busy. I may not think about it for a hours altogether … and then I look at the clock and I think oh man, it’s too late. Or too early. And the pain is there.
A prison of my own making. Locked inside and I can’t find my way out. It consumes me, day and night; an obsession I can’t walk away from. Whenever I try it comes trickling back, enveloping me like great grey foggy arms, pulling me in until I give up. Submission.
Myself the warden, guard & gate. Pain.
And I’m so angry with myself.
-Stef
P.S. Challenge: The title of this blog post is a quote from an 80’s movie. Name that movie & the actor who said it – without using the internet.
Do you remember Ally McBeal? I’m totally aging myself but, hey, who cares? I used to love, love, love Ally McBeal. My best friend and I lived a couple states apart and we would call each other during the commercials to talk about the show – silly? Yes. A fabulous memory? Oh yes. But that’s not the point of this blog post. (But I should get back to that, at some point).
Ally used to have theme songs. Depending on what was going on in her life, she would adopt a song that she could mentally conjure up that would give her strength, or courage, or comfort, right when she needed it.
Well, I’ve been doing the same thing. Blessings on Ally for the inspiration. Last fall it was David Guetta’s Titanium, with lyrics like:
“I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium”
It was exactly what I needed to get through some excruciatingly hard months.
Over the last several weeks I’ve recognized that I’m transitioning into another phase in my life and/or another phase in the life cycle of my heartbreak. I’ve been mulling that over and trying to understand what I want/need right now. What’s next?
Then I went to see Wicked (again, because, duh, it’s so awesome) and words were put in my head that have been resonating with me continuously for a couple weeks now. I’ve realized my new theme song, the song that defines this next stage is, has to be, Defying Gravity: (edited for brevity & relevance)
“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!
It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down
I’m through accepting limits
’cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
“Ev’ryone deserves the chance to fly!”
And if I’m flying solo
At least I’m flying free
To those who’d ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I’m flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I’ll match them in renown!
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!”
I don’t always feel strong, but in those times of weakness I just need to be Idina Menzel in my head and belt out this song. I’ll remember then just how strong I am! And when I’m sad this song will cheer me because it’s an anthem to make me believe what my heart & my head knows, but forgets, that I can do anything I put my mind to, and I can live the life I want. I CAN do it.
I’m reclining in my bed, drinking a delicious mix of Alka-Seltzer cold medicine & Emergen-C while my boys are in the living room apparently trying to bring the house down around us.
I’ve been sick with an off/on cold since the day after Christmas. So, essentially, for 2 months.
As I’m laying here, in the dark, I wonder if this sickness is a reflection of the illness in my soul. I’m struck with so much unhappiness right now. So much strife and negativity. So much sadness. So much parting of ways.
I hate this.
I’m a lover. Of people. Of good feelings. Of good conversations. Long kisses. Meetings of minds & souls. Sipping Starbucks together. Going on adventures together. With my friends. With my lovers (using that term loosely to mean people I love).
This ickness has invaded my heart & my soul. I was so hopeful last year. I felt that through, and after, all the pain we would, all of us, find joy and peace. A niche where we fit, where we figured it out. Where we made our own love & happiness. But through blow after blow I have just grown so weary, so sad. So bereft.
I wish finding the joy everyday wasn’t so hard.
I have some wonderful people around me who I’m so grateful for because, without them, I can’t imagine where I’d be now. I can’t imagine the pain if I didn’t have the relief they provide.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Smiling is a balm for the soul.
I am a very strong woman. I know that, and I’m so very glad for it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel “all the feels.” That doesn’t mean I’m strong enough to will the heartache away. I’m just strong enough to know right from wrong and stay on the right path as much as I can.
All the sad songs on the radio are for me. Not you, or you, or you – just me. Just a Fool, Drink You Away, Say Something, All I Want – these are the songs fueling my heart & soul right now. Sometimes I can’t bear it and turn on Gold Rush or White Walls just to get out of my own head. But the other part of me says, “yes, feel that pain. Let it permeate throughout your soul so that you know how this loss truly feels; when you come out on the other side you’ll be all the better for it.”
I loved so hard. Sometimes I think I won’t recover from it. The rational me says I will. My heart, though, is weeping over that gaping hole.
My, that was melodramatic! True, though, it feels. Thank goodness I’m not *just* a romantic.
Logical mind, please take over –
{{mental slap & a good shake}}.
It’s a 3 day weekend, my lovelies! Let’s go have an adventure and bury this heartache as much as possible, shall we?
Adios! Hasta pasta! Bon voyage! 2013 can go suck an egg!
I say that with some disdain, with some negativity. I say it with a heavy sigh. But, in all honesty, 2013 can only be described as bittersweet.
The hardest year of my life has also brought out my greatest strengths. I fell to the deepest depths of my despair. I hit my point of no return. I got to numb and went past it. But without this strife, without the hard decisions I had to make, I wouldn’t be bravely standing here today. For that, I have to be grateful for the journey.
New Year’s Eve 2012 was the worst I ever experienced. A year later I’m in amazement at how significantly my life has been altered. Through pain, peace.
But since making those hard decisions I have experienced amazing joy & hope & satisfaction. A peace in my soul amid the chaos still rolling around me.
Through all that pain I experienced I have no anger left in me. Sometimes exasperation, frustration, but no anger.
I am still very sad. I still love my husband. Not in that first-romance-roll-in-the-hay way, but in a father-of-my-children and former-best-friend way. I miss that companionship sometimes very much.
It’s been a year of firsts. Or firsts, again, if that makes sense. I haven’t lived on my own in 15 years! I’ve never been separated with a likely divorce looming ahead. I’ve never had to really imagine or experience being “single” at this age, and with children. Not to mention with a mortgage, student loans, credit cards, wifi complications, cell phones, instant messaging, Facebook, data packages, middle school fundraisers, 4th grade school parties, soccer registration, business trips, and the insane and constant desire to just be on my couch, in my jammies watching NCIS reruns.
Side note: I hear so many divorced women say they never date, never meet anyone, etc., but I have to say that I think it’s just because they are exhausted!! And I don’t blame them! Jammies. Couch. Blankie. Remote in hand. Oh yeah, baby. Sometimes that’s all I need to bring my anxiety to its knees. Jammies, a blankie & a diet Pepsi: the modern mother’s anxiety-armor. (Substitute wine where needed!)
Some days I need more. Some days I crave more. And I know it exists. There will be love & romance again one day. But, hey, that’s a post for another day & another time.
For now, let me just say: I’m stronger today than I was yesterday. I’m sadder, yes – because something broke that I never wanted to break and all the glue can’t fix it – but I’m oh so much wiser too.
I find myself in an unusual position tonight. I’m ill-prepared for my trip in a way that I’m usually quite over-prepared for, to the point of anal-retentiveness. It’s odd, for me. But oddly familiar too. I’ve found myself in this unprepared position more often than I would care to think about these days. It’s emotion, man. Nobody can prepare for it.
I’m on a plane. Flying to the East for a few business days and then flying home. Normally I bring at least one charger for my iPhone, but more often I bring two. Just in case. In case I lose one. In case one stops working. I depend heavily on my phone when I travel. I’m also usually very, very careful about making sure the phone is fully charged before a flight. And here, my dear, is where I find myself utterly unprepared.
You see, I had phone calls this morning. Errands to run. Texting to do. Then I raced home and finished packing with NO time to spare. I grabbed the iPhone lightening plug adapter off the docking station, (and then promptly put it down again . . . somewhere), I grabbed the old charger (that must be used with the adapter) and when I got in the car my stepdad grabbed the black, newer, charger and I handed it to my mom in the backseat to put in my purse. But on the way to the airport someone stopped short and I had to slam on my brakes and things flew forward. I’m willing to lay money on the fact that my black, newer charger is currently laying on the floorboard of my car. Grr. Gnash.
So, here I am, on a plane. 30% power on my phone.
I need good power to my phone. It is a need. I need to text a few people to confirm my safe arrival. I need to use the GPS on my phone to take me the 45 minute drive from the airport to the hotel. I need my phone for my alarm in the morning. I need my phone, in short, to be connected with my life. Because, I need my people right now. I need to know that I HAVE people. At this time, especially.
I can’t help thinking that this is a metaphor for my life right now. The “plan as much as you want but I’m going to throw you a curveball you never expected” part of my life. Which is nearly all of it, to be honest.
When I sat down with my husband in the Spring and said, look, I think we need to separate and this is why, and this is what I think should happen next, a funny thing happened. Nothing went according to my plan. All my little miniatures in my Lego board of life did not move where I wanted them to move or do what I wanted them to do. I need to learn that I can’t plan someone else’s emotional response. DUH. That seems basic.
I recognize I have a need to control things. It’s why I don’t do drugs, and never have. It’s why I drink very little. I can’t stand feeling out of control. I also realize I have a need to plan extensively for ALL OF THE THINGS. This ties nicely with the control issue; the more I plan the more I can control the outcome.
Someone recently said to me, “You have to know everything.” Meaning, I have to always be in the know. I wrote that down and I carry that note with me. I’ve been contemplating it. Yes, I know that I always want to know about the things I want to know about. (Follow that?) If it’s something or someone I care deeply about then, yes, I need and want to know. But there are many, many things I could give a rat’s ass about and absolutely do not need the details.
So how do I find a happy medium? How do I let go enough to accept not knowing what I absolutely don’t need to know?
Need to know, need to know. I want to know. It’s like the Cate Blanchett role from Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. At the end she’s saying “I vant to know! I vant to know!” and she taps into the aliens brains and she just completely disintegrates. Isn’t that always the way? (I sure hope that last part doesn’t end up being a metaphor for my life as well).
My life is in such a state that I’m paralyzed by my inability to plan. My actions are dictated by others right now. Dictated by one driving force: emotion. I’m playing defense and I surely wish I was playing offense. Though I’m using a sports analogy, it’s not a competition. Not by a longshot. I’m trying to relieve the pressure, the pain, the angst by not being on the offensive. I’m consciously letting things unfold and only playing defense when absolutely required. But I have a feeling that this isn’t working to my benefit. Not even remotely.
If only all those little Lego miniatures would have done what I asked. If only they had gone the way I needed them to go. But it’s not a game, or toy. It’s life. Life is messy. It’s real. It’s unpredictable. I can plan all I want but there’s this little thing called emotion that, I think, can both flatten cities and cause widespread devastation. At the same time, it can build gorgeous bridges, transport people to a higher plane of being, and it’s our DAMN REASON FOR LIVING.
Emotion. It’s no joke. People need people. They just do.
I would say most days I’m content, working, doing my job and being a mom. I have friends, I have family, I have support. I can take the hard stuff in stride, I think, most of the time. But sometimes I wonder if I’m just faking it. I wonder if I’m putting on the “I’m getting by” face and it’s really masking the grief stages.
I think a break-up is very much like mourning the death of something. The death of a dream? Losing that love, that support, that unconditional “someone is there, even if it’s not perfect” quality that we all get in a long relationship. That “hi honey, how was your day?” greeting. That “it will be okay” hug. That “I’m there for you even though I’m really mad at your stinky ass” support.
Today I look like this:
This is sadness.This is mourning.This is grief.
Some days, like today, I look like this:
This is heartbreak.
Some days, like today, it feels like it will never stop, never get better, never be okay.
Will I ever look like that girl at the top again?
Logically, yes, I know I will. I will pull it together. I will get over this heartache. That’s what my head is telling me.
My heart . . . my heart is stupid. My heart can’t be trusted. My heart is grounded until further notice.
The 7 stages of a break-up are very similar to the 5 stages of grief. I’m reproducing some good points from an article here (without permission, I should add):
1. Shock: “What the hell just happened?”
Shock is the body’s natural protection against pain. And when your relationship first ends, you just might not want to deal with what’s coming next. It may be too scary, too lonely, too confusing.
Do prescribe yourself calming cures like meditation or long walks.
Do not freak out. You will make sense of all of this!
2. Denial: “This is so not happening.”
Denial is rejection of reality and a storage of feelings. The thinking is that, if you don’t accept the heartbreak, then it didn’t really happen, thus leaving hope for reunion.
Do open up to a journal or trusted friend to begin unleashing fears, identifying unreasonable thoughts and more.
Do not minimize the situation. Pretending your breakup doesn’t have to be dealt with will lead to emotional numbness and leave you stuck.
3. Isolation: “I just want to sit in this all by myself.”
Dealing with the dissolution of the relationship. You may replay the relationship over and over in your mind. Your thoughts may feel very scattered and disorganized. You may draw your blinds and not even want to leave the house. Sitting in darkness feels better than going outside and admitting to the world that, yes, it’s over.
Do take regular showers and create reasons to face the day (work, social activities).
Do not indulge in self-pity by letting irrational thoughts like “No one will ever love me again” take over.
4. Anger: “I hate you for breaking my heart!”
In this stage, your heart goes from sad to raging mad. It becomes fueled with anger towards your ex for whatever his part in the breakup was, and/or toward yourself for your part. The deeper desire here is often to place blame.
Do feel, write or talk about your anger.
Do not act on it.
5. Bargaining: “What will it take to get him back?”
Sometimes involving prayers, this stage is often about getting your ex back. Desperate to negotiate with yourself or your ex, you may go to extreme measures to make deals or become something else (thinner, less jealous, etc.) to make amends — when in truth, it is just about making the current pain go away.
Do create a self-love list complete with what makes you happy and things you want for your future.
Do not include wanting your ex back in the above list!
6. Depression: “I will never get over him.”
You realize the magnitude of your loss in this stage of grief, and it can feel all too overwhelming. You may wind up in a state of deep sadness that can even resemble mild depression. At this point, recalling what your life was like prior to your relationship or what it could be like now can be hard
Do surround yourself with positive people and lots of sunshine.
Do not fall victim to unhealthy behaviors such as binge eating or drinking.
7. Acceptance: “I understand why I was with him, why I’m not now, and that I will be better than just OK.”
The acceptance stage of a breakup makes all the other really tough ones worth it. The sun begins to shine, and you begin to feel like yourself again, ready to move onward and upward.
Do celebrate getting through your breakup.
Do not be surprised if you still feel moments of sadness from time to time; it’s normal. Just keep on your positive path!
With love, sadness & pain,
Stef
P.S. I’m trying to remember these things today; maybe you should too:
Because I don’t know how to say it. I don’t want to say it. It’s distasteful to say or write. I have said it but I haven’t really written it. There is a difference. There’s a finality.
I am not naturally brave.
This decision. The depth of my sadness, my despair, my fear – it was vast and deep and all-consuming. What could possibly make me break the hearts of the people I hold so very dear to me? What could drive me there? What would make me stand up and do this horrible thing that I vowed to never do?
13 years and 2 months ago when I stood up in front of our family & friends and declared (gulp) divorce was not an option for me I whole-heartedly believed it. With the knowledge I had then. I didn’t know what would happen. I couldn’t imagine.
I could write a long diatribe about how I feel I’m the injured party. How I feel the decision I’ve made is the right one – not only for me, but for him, and the kids. I could explain that in detail; but what would be the point?
For the record: I have very good reasons. I have reasons that a lesser woman would have succumbed to long ago. But there really is no point in delineating each of those reasons. There is always going to be two sides to every story. We are always going to see a situation from our own perspectives – indeed, how could we not? – and when those perspectives are misaligned there simply is no agreement to be found.
All I ask is this – if you ever loved me or trusted me or thought I had a good head on my shoulders then, please, take a moment to understand what level of unhappiness would drive me to make this awful, painful, hurtful decision. This . . . this is never what I wanted. How did THIS become the lesser of two miseries?
Realize, please, that you have not walked in my shoes. You don’t know. Nobody can know how I felt or feel. Nobody can understand. All you can do is trust the ME that you do know and realize that my logical head isn’t going to let me randomly, without thought or worry, make a decision such as this.
Don’t forget that I’m still here. The person you know and love – I’m still here and I am still me. The love I have in my heart for the people I have called family for 14 years is still here. It’s unfailing. I hold no anger or resentment to them. I am, most of all, so very, very sad.
To him, though, I have such a mix of feelings. Sadness. Confusion. Anger. Resentment.
Yes, those feelings all have a time & place. I think it’s time to let them go now. They have no place in my future. I’m tired of their companionship and I bid them farewell.
*sigh* And still it must be said:
Several months ago I asked my husband of 13 years for a separation. He has recently come back and pushed for a divorce. We are in a holding pattern for now. I’m hoping that we can do the best by our kids, given the circumstances. They, and their well-being, are my priority.
Wise Sass 