Processing pain is a weird business.

Sometimes you rationalize pain & hurt until it seems like nothing; trivial, locked away by a facade. De-escalate it, minimize it. We women all do it, don’t we?

Everything is good. Everything is fine.

Then a casual conversation, a mention, and it gets in, chipping away at the facade.
Distance provides clarity.

– – – – – – –
A Violation

A fate worse than death, they say
Death is the absence of pain
Unless you can rationalize it away
Say you chose with a stranger lain
I went to a climbing gym that day
Met a man & his sweet son
It was easy, fun, a time for play
No foreshadowing of to come
Come watch the game, he said
My son will be asleep, no worries
First date, no talk of bed
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy
–
Hope, she had,
Arrived, snacks in hand
Bottle of wine to share
No worries, no care
–
strong arms
pulled me down
kissing kissing
hands whoa
naked
what how
no stop
ow
tears
shaking
I have to go
–
What just happened
to me?
Did I want that?
No, no, no
But he’s a nice guy
Right? Right.
I think so
I thought so
I’ll go out with him again
Because then it’s something
Something more
not just this
I must be wrong
Did I give the wrong signals?
I shouldn’t have kissed him
Or come to his house
How could I be so stupid?
He probably didn’t hear me
When I said no
I don’t want to
Right?

– – – – – – –

We hide it, the things that happen to us. We make it like it didn’t happen. Or like it’s okay. We minimize what it does to us, our psyches, our emotional health and our ability to trust.

Rape culture is pervasive. It happens every day. It happens to people you love.

Ladies, I care about you. Don’t accept that shit and I won’t either. You are more valuable than you give yourself credit for – make him earn the magic that is you.

Xoxo,
Stef