On Friday I was very happy to spend some time just being a mom, see my post here: My warring dualities. Then I took yesterday off and wrote a blog, had lunch with my hubby and picked up my kids from school again. The kids were happy, I was happy, and the hubby was happy. I thought about how much happier we all were and I’ve come to a decision.
I WANT TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. 
(The louder I say it the more likely it will come true, right? One more time. )
I WANT TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM.
Or a work part-time from home mom. I’m happy to pick up a little income here and there as I can. 
I want to take care my my kids, my husband and my house. I want to get my home life in order. I want to have the time and energy to focus on just those things for a while. I need it. My family needs it. 
I would be a good SAHM. I would have a routine. Certain days I would clean house. Certain days I would do laundry. I would make time to exercise every day. I would turn the music up LOUD and not worry about anybody seeing me work out.
I would write on this blog more, and possibly write something else. I would pay bills, clean, clean, clean, and work on projects like the closets or washing all the windows. I would run all the errands I don’t have time to do now, and do the grocery shopping too.
I want to be there for my son EVERY TIME he needs me in class. Both of them, really, but in particular for my Autistic guy. When he has a bad start to his day I want the freedom to be there with him as long as he needs me. I want to pick him up from school so I get the low-down from his teachers every day. 
I would be an advocate for my son and for Autism education and support in my state. 
Every day after school I would talk to my boys. I would give them an after school snack, talk about their day with them, and get them started on homework. I would start dinner while we talk so that we can eat dinner early and get a walk before bath and bedtime.
Yes, I do know that to a certain extent I am idealizing being a stay at home mom, but I also know that whatever came up I would be able to deal with it. I’m a good multi-tasker and I can make adjustments on the fly. I know it’s a lot of work. I know it.
I’m gone from my house and family 10 hours a day and it’s not working for me right now. I need more of the kids in my daily life. I need more “me” in my daily life. I want to write. I want to be the best mom and person I can be. I need a change in my life – my career and my health demand it – and I think this could be it.
I WANT TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. 

P.S. Now that I have made this decision if someone could please hire my husband at an exorbitant salary so that I can make my SAHM dreams come true I would be ever so grateful. 
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6 thoughts on “Pity party, table for 1

  1. This was me like three months ago. So I totally empathize. I was a SAHM when my big kids were little. Then they got big and I had to go back to work if I ever wanted to have anything ever (like food). I thought when Ella was born I'd go back to work like I had been and it would all be just fine. As the time for me to return was approaching I started to panic. Who is going to drive these kids all over? OMG who is going to shop? COOK? CLEAN? AHHHHH. I had a month long panic attack. Then one day Matt said "I think you better stay home. The team needs you here. This isn't about being lucky to have you home this about everything falling apart if you work" Music to my ears.It's not all musical though. I know you know. I'm on borrowed time. Eventually the money will probably run out. And I'm terrified of the day I have to go back to work. And while I AM in fact at home the reality is I spend so much time taking care of Ella I can't seem to do anything else. Which frustrates me. Terribly. I love taking care of her but I feel like I can scarcely accomplish baking a cake. If I get to do some yoga it's as if god himself granted a miracle. My house is a wreck (Well by my standards which are admittedly high). I'm usually spending most of the day in my car taking people and picking people up. I'm glad I'm home though. I'm very lucky and I'll thank my lucky stars until the money runs out. I'd like to knit a blanket. Wash some windows. Be more efficient and organized. Write a book. Maybe later. Not happening now though. I do think there are ways to make things like this work. By this I do not mean we don't get to go to Hawaii this year. I mean we will go nowhere this year. I mean we reduce, reuse, recycle. I use cloth diapers. Matt drives an old car. Also he works far away because he can't make enough money here. We don't go or do much. If we go out it's never expensive. We wear things until they are worn out. I don't spend unless I have to and that's not easy coming from the lady whose pre-pregnancy closet was full of J. Crew. And is now full of yoga pants from target (and the J. Crew that will never fit). When people say they made sacrifices to stay home I don't really want to hear that they didn't buy $189 Seven for all Mankind Jeans and their heart was broken. That's not really sacrifice. Talk to me when you're wearing jeans with a hole so your kid can have some shoes. Anyway, I just totally hijacked your blog.What I'm saying is I feel ya girl. I hope you can make it work out.

  2. Joni, I'm so thankful for you. You can hijack anytime! ;-)We are as thrifty as we can be already, unfortunately. My hubby is a freelance writer. That equates to a decent income *some* months. I'm not complaining, though. Having him home for the last 5 years has been a god-send. This year is the first year the boys have both been in school full-time so it's just recently that we can actually imagine having two full incomes again. Only after that happens for awhile would we be able to entertain the thought of me staying home. We shall see. Our yearly vacation consists of sipping margaritas poolside at my mom's in H-town for a week every July. (With a jaunt over to the coast for a day, or two, of course).

  3. Yeah. Not you obviously. You don't really seen like the $189 on jeans type. But i know these women. "oh woe is me I don't want to work. It's breaking my heart but how will I afford my Louis vuitton." that's just martyrdom. I hope you can make your dream a reality someday. I know you'd accomplish all you set out to. And I'm looking forward to reading your book. 🙂

  4. I am in a very unique situation. Because Isaiah has his own business, he works as much as he can (at least it's from home). So I do *everything* related to the house. All the laundry. All the dishes. Mow the lawn. Isaiah makes money; I do anything and every thing associated with the house. But I also help him with his business. So I always say I have two jobs and get paid for neither. HAhaha.This that you wrote — When he has a bad start to his day I want the freedom to be there with him as long as he needs me. — is really one of the biggest reasons I want to stay at home. My kids (with their sensitivity issues) are so much better off having me at home and available.But, I used to think all of your idealized thoughts too. I would have a routine. I would exercise. I would clean out closets. We'd have a lovely time making dinner and having walks. I thought it all.And instead I suck at it. Seriously. I think I am a lousy SAHM. We have cleaners that come once a week. But my house is still constantly disorganized. I could go on and on as to why, but that's not really why you wrote the blog. Suffice to say that, as I said on FB, I do think a lot of it is the grass is greener issue.HOWEVER — all of that goes by the wayside now. Do you really have to work 10 hour days? Will they fire you if you don't? Maybe you won't get a promotion, but do you *want* a promotion if it only means more work??? Given Erik's salary potentials, it doesn't sound like you can count on that. Have you actively looked around for less demanding jobs that still pay similarly? Just sayin that if you really wanna change, you gotta start somewhere. ((((hugs))))

  5. I'm a lurker who used to lurk on Joni's Blog to Lose blog, and now lurk on her other blog, and now on yours! I had to "un-lurk" or whatever the term is because I feel like I know exactly where you're coming from. I've always worked a "regular" job while my husband is a freelance artist/graphic designer. I was extremely jealous/resentful when he got to pick up the kids from school or organize playdates, etc. I always thought I would be the perfect SAHM if I was just given the chance! Luckily, I have an amazingly flexible boss who allowed me (and encouraged me) to be involved at school as much as possible. I started coming into work 1/2 an hour early everyday so I could volunteer for computer class every Monday for my youngest son and attend speech therapy every other week for my other son. I know it totally depends on your personal work situation, but it was so worth asking! Good luck!

  6. Thank you for unlurking!! I love the comments and feedback. Yes, we are in a similar situation. It's funny, my husband says he would take a full-time job in an instant if he could. We talk about switching places all the time. My boss is very understanding as well and I can generally get away with taking time here and there as needed as long as I don't abuse it. I did have a conversation with my boss just yesterday and told him I was struggling a little with the work/life balance. He understands . . . but he needs me at work too so there's only so much he can say/do. I asked him to de-mote me so I can work the "mommy" schedule and he told me no. (Actually he said something profane that I shouldn't repeat here along the lines of "no [blank]ing way!" I guess it's nice to be needed. ;)Thanks for commenting. Please, unlurk anytime. 🙂

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