I haven’t posted in a while. I feel like my posts always need to have a specific purpose – like I need to have a reason to say what I want to say. But I don’t think that’s true, right? I can just say what’s going on in my mind. That would be the purpose of this blog. It’s not private but I also don’t think anybody is reading it so why not?
I ask a lot of questions. It’s just my way of talking. Some are rhetorical and some are not. Your choice.
I’m still thinking about my mom & stepdad’s visit. It was so awesome to have them here! Sometimes my mom drives me crazy but this time I was much more tolerant. It was easier for me to just appreciate her for who she is this time. Maybe I’m growing old? Maybe I’m just lonely and needed her here. She takes care of me, loves me unconditionally, doesn’t get mad at me if I’m snippy and as I get older I am learning to appreciate her unconditional love more and more.
I keep thinking about an opportunity that came my way and then, just as quickly, passed me by. It would have been so very good for us, in many ways, but there were some definite detriments. Could I have done it? Yeah, I think so. It’s daunting but I think I would have found the strength and ability when needed. But its gone so it’s better to just let it go.
I’m falling behind on everything right now. I can feel myself escaping because I can’t handle the sheer volume of stuff I need to do. They aren’t all unpleasant tasks so I’m not sure what my problem is. Maybe a little bit of depression? I hear that’s common at the holidays – though usually I’m happiest at Christmas time. My favorite time of year! This year I can’t seem to get excited. I feel bad about myself because of so many different things and I’m having a hard time seeing past all my internal recriminations.
Some of the people closest to me in my daily life are going through stressful times. They are ticking time bombs: unpredictable and capable of reacting in any way and at any time. I feel divided in two – I’m either the equalizer or I’m the time bomb myself. It’s been proven, by a bunch of scientific psychologists, I’m sure, that in the dynamic between two people there is one person who dictates the relationship at any given time. The other person equalizes or provides the balance. If one person is emotionally unstable (at that moment) then the other person acts as the counter-weight. If the other person doesn’t equalize then we see incredible things happen – like those people who lose their minds and beat the crap out of each other, rob banks, or drive off cliffs.
What’s my point? Just this – if someone equalizes all the time then when do they get to express their emotions? Do they just suppress it and then it comes out later in myriad little rebellions? Or at inopportune times? I don’t know the answer to that. Where’s Dr. Sweets when I need him? Yes, that was Bones reference. I freaking love that show.
People are so complex. I love Bones, and the West Wing, and the Stieg Larsson books, and Jane Austen, mostly because of one uniting factor – they talk about people and what makes them tick. If I ever write a book it will be about people, relationships and how they react emotionally.
Speaking of escaping, here’s a little thing I wrote a while back:
Watch me, watch me!
See how I sigh?
And roll away my eye?
I just caught myself in a lie!
See me, do you see me?
I run and run and run
For me, that’s the key
To not come undone.