Do you ever sit back and and really look at your life to see if you are living it in keeping with your core values? My pastor would call it the “growing edges.” Are we recognizing those spaces where we could have done better? Where we can learn from it? Or where we have improved?

Do you think about the little adjustments you can make to improve your life or do you just make sweeping changes that end up failing later? I have a suspicion the little changes will adhere better for the long term.

I’ve been thinking of the full moon tonight. I read that in my sign, Libra, it’s recommended to embrace change. Let endings end and new beginnings start. Embrace the small changes.

I believe there are things that exist in this world that I cannot see and I cannot prove. I believe there is magic & mysticism & spirituality that most of us will never witness. That doesn’t mean it’s not there. I believe in deja vu and no such thing as coincidences and I talk to my deceased grandparents, my sister, and a dear dead friend. They hover over my bed, their disembodied souls, and they listen to me talk when I need to talk to God, and they feel me cry when I need to get it out, and they see every side of me and they love me. I have no proof except the peace I gain from that conversation. That I not only “give it to God” but I rest it in the hands of those who love me.

Since my marital separation I have fallen for two men. I have wrestled with these loves, these broken hearts, for far too long. No more. It’s time to forgive them the hurt they caused and to let go of the burden of bad decisions I made. Forgive them, and forgive myself.

One of these men helped me immensely during such a hard, desolate, confusing time. He was patient when I held him at arms length. When I was confused & careless with his feelings he just stayed there, steady, waiting. It wasn’t until I fell for him that he backed away. He left me hanging and never explained why. I stumbled across his online profile the other day and realized he’s been in a committed relationship for awhile now. I am happy for him; it does appear she is probably a better fit. More outdoorsy than I am. But I have never stopped wondering what I did wrong to lose such a loving & good man. I must have pushed him away. I was such a mess then; still learning who I was going to be. I feel like I constantly owe him an apology and, at the same time, I’m constantly sad & hurt by him too. I am letting him go tonight. I honor that he was in my life for a purpose; a season of learning and growing. You will always be special to me, SJL. I wish you every happiness. Thank you for the love you gave to me.

The second is complicated, but not, and stupid, but not, and, fresh, but not. I fell for someone inappropriate; someone who doesn’t value me, who doesn’t love me, and who doesn’t want to be with me. Except when he wants to. It’s been going on for multiple years and it has to stop. I’m stopping it. In fact, I’m making the little adjustments I need to further build that gap. I will be strong. I will conquer this. I am deserving of love. I have so much to give and I want to give it to someone who equally cares for me. Help me to cut off this power, this obsessive, controlling mindfuck, so I can move on and find the joy I deserve. Help me be strong. To be the badass I know I am and walk away from this undeserving man and stop listening to the BS he feeds me every time he feels me pulling away from his chains. I will not be his to manipulate anymore. Goodbye SJW.

As I stand in the full moon tonight and admire the beauty & grace it gives, I also relinquish these painful ties upon my soul. You are forgiven and released to live your lives in the way best suited for you. I will do the same. My grandma and grandpa and my sister and my dear friend all hold my hands and help me, lords of my silent prayers, every day to find my way.

I will be true to my true nature.

I will love unabashedly but with caution.

I will not be fearful. I will take chances.

I will learn to be more diplomatic but still a force to be reckoned with (a fine line if ever there was one).

I will be strong & capable.

I will not be negative; negativity serves no one.

I will honor my body and what it needs.

I will love myself first so I can then give that love to others.

Do all things with love, my friends. We only have ONE life. One. It’s ebbing away every single day. Love as much as you can. Do not hate. Hate kills your soul. Offer forgiveness. Extend a comforting hand of love to those who are struggling. But honor yourself first. Put your oxygen mask on so you can assist others.

Give yourself grace to be human and move forward from a place of joy & contentment.

I am a good person. I may not ever find romantic love again but I will continue to open my heart and be there if & when it does come. I will operate with integrity, mindfully, going forward.

I’m here, Cupid! Wtf are you?

Happy New You, my friends.

Xoxo,

Stef

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s