Maybe I’m Amazed

Catching up on my DVR tonight I saw this performance on The Voice and I was blown away! This is everything.

The artists performed with such passion and conviction – but, of course, this song is fabulous to begin with so they had a great canvas from which to work from.

The lyrics just slay me. When I read novels I like to read about how people deal with human conflict – love, loss, mourning, elation, etc. That’s generally what I write about as well, either here or in my poetry. It’s fascinating to me how people react and handle their life events. The amazing thing about this song is the story that is told in just a few lines:

Baby, I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time,
And maybe I’m afraid of the way I love you.

Maybe I’m amazed at the way you pulled me out of time,
You hung me on the line.
Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you.

Baby, I’m a man, maybe I’m a lonely man
Who’s in the middle of something
That he doesn’t really understand.

Baby, I’m a man,
And maybe you’re the only woman who could ever help me.
Baby, won’t you help me to understand?

He loves her, appreciates her, but he’s scared. Nothing new in that, except he admits what he can’t do; he lays his soul bare, opens his heart and says “help me, you’re the only one who can.”

Passionate, communicative and admits when he needs help? Swoon.

Enjoy, my friends.

Xoxo,
Stef

Busy work

Oh boy. Guys, I’m beat.

I was in California for 8 days, 6 of those days for work. A delayed flight got me home at 2 am Monday night, but then my Autistic dude didn’t sleep all night at his dad’s so I got to hang out with him the next day. No napping for either of us! Work & errands beckoned because my oldest had a choir concert that evening and had grown out of his pants & shoes. So I have been sprinting ever since – between the choir concert, soccer practice, Disney on Ice, the Boise vs. Fresno football game, and the last soccer game of the season, not to mention going to work every day, this worn out girl has had very little downtime!

No surprise I came home from the soccer game today, made lunch for the kiddos, and promptly fell asleep on the couch. Zzzzzzzzzz.

So, since I can’t form any coherent thoughts at this point, I’ll show you a few pics from the last week – from my high school (go Bullpups!), sunrise on my Amtrak ride, my 6 hour time killer at the OAK airport, and some fun stuff with the boys after I got back.

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Emotionally, if you’re wondering, I’m tired, sad, content, lonely, mad, frustrated, thankful, grateful, and occasionally happy. You didn’t think it would be simple, did you?

All my love, light & hope,

Stef

Sassy? What?

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I’m in San Francisco, working hard, but my cousin sent me the above pic & I had to share it. :)

I’m not as angry as I was last week; perspective & time do tend to help those things. Plus, eff ‘em.

Here’s a few from the city by the bay. I just happened to be in my room taking pictures of the stadium when the Giants won, thus the fireworks.

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Plus I put some Jamberry nail things on and realized they match my peacock phone case. I do have a thing for blue & green together. I’m silly like that.

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Back to the salt mines! Have a great weekend, y’all.

Xoxo,
Stef

Handcuffed & duct taped

Warning: this is not a happy post. This is an angry post. There is language. There is emotion behind everything I’m expressing here. But If I can’t express it here, at least the emotion of it, on MY blog, where can I?

I am so angry. I want to express that anger. I want to let it fly. I want to spew it and all the reasons why all over anybody and everybody who will listen.

But I can’t. I can’t even do it in this blog. I can’t do it on Facebook. I can’t do it at work. I can’t do it on Twitter, or Instagram. It’s not just one thing. It’s 3 things. 3 distinct things that have all built up to a volcano sized eruption today but it has nowhere to go.

I’m mad about things I can’t talk about, except in whispers to a friend.

(Note to self: somewhere in-between work & mothering, make more friends. Local, preferably, for weekly sippin’ & bitchin’).

Social Media is the easiest, right? Stop, drop an explosive bomb, relieve the spleen, then walk away. But there are inherent problems with that scenario. Hurt feelings, sometimes rightfully, sometimes imagined, or those people, usually those least involved in your life, who plead for more information or offer the worst possible advice.

Or you can leave the cryptic, “I’m so angry right now I could just explode” comment that just irritates the living crap out of anybody & everybody who actually has an interest. No, can’t do that. I detest those posts.

So I’ll sit here and fester. I’ll feel hurt. I’ll feel rejected. I’ll feel overwhelmed, unloved, unsupported, overworked, under-appreciated, and it will just fester.

Maybe I should be more ruthless. Maybe I should care less. Maybe that would make all this easier.

But, fuck, I don’t know HOW to care less.

So this is my vent. My rant. My rage. This is all I can say.

And maybe just this: My love language is acts of service. When people do things for me, things that make my life just a little easier, that’s how I feel loved. I mean, I like touch & affection, gifts, and all that as well, but it’s acts of service that brings me to my knees. This is true in all relationships, romantic or otherwise, at work, and just in life in general. But when you do the opposite, when you make my life harder, when you hurt me and you make me angry, when you discount me, it’s like a slap in the face. Selfish bastards.

No hugs and kisses, or light and love from me today. I’m trying to let it go. Trying, trying, trying.

 

-Stef

Listening to the rain

It’s Sunday night, I’ve had a very quiet, contemplative weekend and, as I slipped into bed, it started raining gently outside my open window. I love the rain.

I’m a jumble of thoughts & emotions this weekend, my friends.

What is love, to you? Is it undying devotion and passion? Is it companionship and familiarity? Is it mutual respect and common goals? Maybe it’s a big pot and each relationship is its own unique stew; more sex, less affection, more respect, less passion, or something like that.

I know what it’s not. It’s not dependence disguised as friendliness. It’s not willful ignorance of a partner’s needs. It’s not neglect. It’s not callous rejection. It’s not passing the buck. It’s not abuse.

I love the rain, but darn if it doesn’t bring on the melancholy thoughts. Of course, it could be my quiet house and being left to my own thoughts all weekend, it could be the stack of bills that need paying, or it could be that the Eagles lost today, but I’m laying here wondering if I am meant to be loved. Maybe I’m not; some people aren’t, I think. I’m not looking for pity or assurances; I’m just thinking through a possibility. Am I one of those unloveable people? Do I hold people at a distance and prevent them from loving me? Maybe it’s just me.

I have loved and lost. It’s devastating. At what point do I just turn off the ability to feel romantic love? Will time, loneliness, and lack of affection drive it away? Because I hurt right now, and I’ve been hurting awhile now, and I’m ready for that to stop. How do I not care? I have heard, and witnessed, those who can apparently turn it off at will. Maybe that’s a skill I can learn.

Instead I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I weep, sometimes a lot, sometimes uncontrollably, for all that I felt, treasured, hoped and lost.

Laying here, listening to the rain, I should be sleeping. Instead I’m trying to talk the hope right out of my head. Always hopeful, often disappointed. When will I learn?

No answers are forthcoming tonight, friends, so I’ll drop this missive into the ether and get ready for a new day.

Good night, Gracie.

XOXO,

Stef

Let’s get back to basics

When I was a kid I played with Legos a lot. Back then we didn’t have themed sets and all kinds of specialized Lego pieces. I had one set, basic colors, and a few windows & flowers & fence & roof pieces. By default, I always always built a house. On top of the typical green square base I’d choose my base bricks, often going for the thicker double Lego to have a stronger house. Then – and this was the most important – I had to layer the bricks in a staggered fashion in order to have a solid house that wouldn’t easily fall apart upon torpedo (by some ridiculous “friends” who thought tearing my house apart was fun). In this way, this Lego house metaphor, I’m building myself back up, one layered brick at a time, weaving in the bricks, big and small, wins, losses, and lessons learned.

Sometimes it’s small bricks, tiny wins, as a mom, daughter, professional, and homeowner – every time I mow the lawn (since I was 38 before I ever learned to do this), or when I present my professional work as a keynote speaker, or when I call my mom (something I’m not very good at), or when my son’s teacher tells me how much she just absolutely loves him. Those little wins layer in and fortify me; they make me stronger, more confident and better able to weather the storms.

Then there are big victories and big losses. These are the big, 2×8 bricks that shore up a whole side of my house. These are the game changers. The life adjustments. The this-is-so-hard-but-I-just-have-to-do-it things. The difficult decisions. The hard things in life. You’d think things like this would tear a hole in your defense that isn’t easily patched, and sometimes the repairs do take a while, but then you build it better, stronger, more able to take a beating. Sometimes you think that hole will never heal and then, miraculously, you’re whole again.

I’m repairing my foundation. Shoring it up. Making sure it doesn’t easily crack or crumble during the next air raid, if there is to be one.

 

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Life is hard, dude.

Build yourself up, be strong, weather that storm.

Don’t forget to love. It’s why we are here.

 

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Don’t forget the people who care. They may not always know how to help. ASK THEM. (I’m trying to be better about this!)

Don’t take advantage. No matter how much people love you, they are not responsible for you. Be strong. Build yourself up. Make sure you are proud of what you have become.

 

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At the end of each church service when my pastor gives the benediction she puts her hand up and I can visualize this golden ray coming through her hand to the top of my head when she says, “may the grace of God be with you today and every day.” When she does this, I feel a surge of blessing pouring down my head & neck & flowing out to my extremities. It’s the grace. To me, it means so much; it boosts my strength, power, humility, understanding and self-awareness. It’s in this way that I want to offer you grace so that you feel the higher power – God, if you believe, or just the collective power of our human race, together – surge through you and help you in your life every day.

With grace, hope & all positive things,

Stef
xoxo

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#nyc #blogpost jour deux

I’m home now, but wanted to close out my whirlwind 48 hour NYC trip with some follow-up pics.

First, on my way to Macy’s at Herald Square (AKA the mothership) I walked right through the crowd at Good Morning America and had this lovely encounter, quite by accident:

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Saw the Empire State Building:

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Then had to do some work, get dolled up and head to a work event where I was speaking to a group of clients & prospective clients. It was exciting & nerve-wracking for me, but I got through it!

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After the work event, I went with some co-workers to the rooftop bar at the top of the Dream Hotel. Met some lovely people, chatted, and generally had a great little diversion.

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Thursday morning I only had a few hours before I had to head to the airport, so I moseyed up 6th towards Radio City Hall & Rockefeller Plaza, got a coffee & cake at Magnolia Bakery (really freakin’ good) and went to the Today Show taping.

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I had started to not feel good the night before but by Thursday morning I could feel the flu coming on. Every time I see that pic of myself at Rockefeller Center I can tell how miserable I was from the look on my face. But just after that my kids called, Facetimed, on their way to school so I was able to “show them around” the plaza and the Today Show windows. That was fun.

All in all, it was a great trip. Traveling home while having respiratory flu symptoms just absolutely sucked, but the flights were uneventful (on 9/11) so I’m grateful for that.

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And, oddly, I saw so many celebrities either on the street, through the GMA or Today windows (but so close!) and even at the airport ticket counter: Connie Britton, Harry Connick Jr., James McAvoy, Jeff Goldblum, the GMA & Today Show casts, and Austin Pendleton (the stuttering lawyer from My Cousin Vinny (among many other things)). I just saw Jeff Goldblum at Dulles in the Spring so I think it’s really funny I saw him again, same year, different city.

There is nothing like NYC for a little excitement, or to make me appreciate coming home to my quiet house and two boys waiting with hugs.

See the world & have safe travels!

xoxo,

Stef